The Stupid Trillogy: Fellowship of Twoness
by Enjoying Insanity
Summary: Tenth member 'fic, written when I was new and now stands as a reminder of what I was before and never will be again. Read at your own risk. hands out Bleeprin.
1. Wasn't I Just in Math Class?

DISCLAMER: Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
  
  
  
Chapter One: Wasn't I Just in Math Class?  
  
  
  
"Stop that right now!" I snapped at my best friend, Emily. She had been poking me in the back with her pen (which starts to hurt after a while, mind you) while I was attempting to do my math work. Stupid math. I hated it. But me and my math problems are another story that has nothing to do with this one.  
  
"Never!" she hissed in my ear gleefully and continued to poke me. "This is the only way to stop the apocalypse of man-eating lizards that will come next month!"  
  
"Well, I'd rather be eaten alive by lizards than have you poking me in the back!" I whispered loudly back to her. I could see her grin evilly behind my shoulder, but quickly look back down at her paper.  
  
"Katie! Emily! Is there a problem?" Mrs. Hail, our teacher asked, her voice filled with irritation. We both shook our heads in unison. I could see our friend, Bonnie, look at us from over her shoulder, smirking. I could have swiped that smirk off her face right then. It always bothered me when teachers told us to be quiet. Believe me, it's happened a lot. It's odd, but I guess when your odd, odd things happen.  
  
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not particularly bad. Just very.talkative? Annoying? There are a lot of words that people use. But I didn't used to act so weird and social before. I think Emily warped me or something. That's not the point though (you'll find that I often get off track.)  
  
I guess I owe you a description of the two of us.I'm tall, brown haired, and green eyed. Usually I wear jeans and T-shirts. Occasionally people catch me in non-baggy wear, but only if your lucky. I like to hang loose. I am also very much "Up with Lady Knights" and stuff. I'm a medieval freak I know. Emily looks totally different from me, but amazingly enough her level of intelligence is the same as mine, which is 0. Just kidding. Emily is the complete opposite of me: blond haired, and blue eyed. She's not as tall as I am, but not short either. She's not into my comfy cloths trend, and wears "normal" stuff. It's not my fault if she wants to own uncomfortable clothing that you can't move around in. We're both 17-years-old.  
  
Now, back to my little story.  
  
Fifteen minutes later the bell sounded. Everyone jumped out of their seats. I gathered up my math book and trapper, and paused, waiting for Emily to get together her mountain of things. It always amazed me how she could carry it all. And what made me wonder more was why she carried it all around. This thought was not on my mind though. What was, was the fact that it was Friday. And Friday meant the next day would be Saturday. And Saturday was when we were going to see the Two Towers. Again.  
  
See I don't like Lord of the Rings. I'm obsessed with it. Emily likes it too, but not as much as me. No one likes it as much as me, as I told myself a long time ago. I even have one of those fake Rings. Not the real gold ones (ha ha, I can dream on) the ones off of those bookmarks.  
  
Like I said before though, we were going to see the Two Towers. I waited VERY patiently for the rest of year to see and I didn't want to wait anymore. "Katie, carry this will you?" Emily said suddenly as her loads tumbled out of her arms. Again. I sighed and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Haven't we been over this already? N-O. Do I look like your servant, little grasshopper? NO. I will, however, help you store this book in my locker which you don't know the combination to." I grabbed her reading book and took off through the door. She followed me closely, yelling insults at me.  
  
As I crossed the thresh hold of the door in my math class, I felt something tug me forward. Instinctively, I grabbed Emily's shoulder to keep my balance, trying to hang onto my books (and her book, which I was still carrying) and yet not tip over. What happened next amazes me still even now.  
  
We were both pulled forward. It's hard to explain how it happened. The math room and the hallway sort of just evaporated out of my sight and I was pushed into a swirling vortex of black and silver lights. My ears were filled with a whirling motion and numbly turned my head to see if Emily was still there as I was yanked through the whirlpool of colors. She was there, hanging onto my arm, her eyes wide. It would have been funny if we were not zooming through this.portal of a thing at top speed.  
  
All of a sudden it stopped at we were launched from the vortex. Blue color surrounded me and I realized we were falling through the sky while wisps of clouds went passed lazily. I opened my mouth in a silent scream. Then with a jolt I felt myself thrown onto the ground. Emily landed with a thump next to me. I lay there sprawled on the grass, trying not to moan as I sat up. Emily was staring at the sky, a look of pure terror fixed on her face. "Katie," she said shakily. "Where in God's name are we?" I shrugged in replied and looked around, rubbing my sore side where I fell.  
  
We'd landed behind a thick clump of bushes. A groan finally escaped me as I stood, brushing leaves and grass out of my rumpled brown hair. I reached down to help Emily up just as something whizzed my head and struck the tree next to me. Emily scrambled up and I looked at the tree in bewilderment. An arrow was firmly lodged in the trunk. Emily looked around just as two hands pushed us through the bush. We stumbled out onto a large patio. It was surrounded by chairs, with a bunch very odd people sitting in them. I looked around and said loudly, "To-To, I don't think we're in Oklahoma anymore." This won us a few stares as well as puzzled looks.  
  
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" said someone from behind us. We both turned and I found myself looking at a man with long ears. Emily's eyebrows went up and my mouth went down. I finally managed to reply.  
  
"If we knew that we wouldn't be sitting here gawking at you all looking like the idiots we are," I said. "I think the better question is, is who are YOU? After all, we're the ones who got pulled out of our math class." I felt more stares, but right then I really didn't care.  
  
Suddenly a thought hit me. I pivoted slowly on the spot. This place looked familiar. VERY familiar. I saw it every time I watched a certain movie at my house. But we couldn't really be in... Middle Earth could we?  
  
Wordlessly I tugged Emily's shirtsleeve. "Hey.Wallace?" I said slowly, using our "code names" this time. "Why do all of these people look like the people off of Lord of the Rings?" Emily's head shot up and she looked at everyone.  
  
"Oh my god.Katie! What did we do?" she whispered frantically. "How are we going to get back!" The elf in front of us, which was obviously Lord Elrond, cleared his throat and looked at us expectantly.  
  
"Er, yeah. Hi ya'll. I'm Katie, and this is Wallace," I began and Emily pinched me VERY hard. "I mean her name is Emily. If you're worried that we're enemy spies or whatever then you don't have to worry. We're from.the future? Another dimension in time? Heck I don't know!" I threw my hands up in the air.  
  
"We don't know how we got here. We don't even know WHY we're here. And what Katie's trying to say is please don't tie us up and gag us," Emily said bluntly. Just after she said this something hit me in the head. Hard. I rubbed my skull and looked down at my trapper and math book along with Emily's reading book. Well, now I knew why it hurt so much. Everyone sort of looked at my stuff like it was an alien life form. It probably was to them for all I knew.  
  
"Think we should pull the "I am Buzz Lightyear" line on them?" I asked Emily quietly. She shot me a look that clearly said "Shut up or die." Instead of saying this, I added to Emily's statement, "We really don't want to cause you trouble. We're just going to go back to the bushes and start chanting 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home' if you don't mind."  
  
I darted towards the bushes but one of those annoying Elven guards grabbed me and put me back with Emily in the middle of the patio. As I look down at the ground, Emily muttered, "Would you quit with the Wizard of Oz quotes? They're getting on my nerves." Well, frankly Scarlet, I don't give a da-toenail (Long ago I was forbidden to say those curse words so many others did say so you'll sustain your daily dosages with BEEPS, deal?). There. It's not Wizard of Oz. While someone behind us snickered, whom I suspected was Frodo, Elrond patiently glanced at us. "Your story is not altogether clear I'm afraid," he said. "You may as well sit yourselves down and wait for me till I am finished here." Before either of us could protest, those Elven guards pushed us down into two chairs off to the side.  
  
"Dang you," I mutter irritably at the guards and they only scowled at me. Emily jabbed me hard in the ribs and I did the same to her. We traded jabs and pokes until our guards glared at us and we stopped. I instead remembered that I left my trapper and Emily's book on the side of the patio. I shifted my position slightly and edged my foot over to it. Slowly, my tennis shoe touched the end of it. I bit down on my tongue and tried to kick it toward me. I only succeed in moving it further away. I pushed down a cry of frustration.  
  
That thing had food in it, I knew, because I stashed some in there that morning. It also had my CD walkman in it (brought it on the bus so I wouldn't have to listen to everyone scream their heads off). With my wonderful CD holder full of my wonderful CDs. This world is so cruel.  
  
So there I was, half out of my chair, my foot stretched over to my trapper. I inched forward more, and fell down roughly on my rear. This made me start to mutter curse words at the world, only cause more stares. Why did these people stare so much? I stood up, brushed myself off, and stepped over to pick up my trapper. It was a measly three inches from my foot and I could have gotten it without much distraction if it was a little closer.  
  
Thankfully, they all ignored me and I sat back down. One of the Elven guards started to snicker and I glared at him warningly. Then, I slowly zipped my trapper open and picked through the drawn on and written on paper, poking here and there, looking for the hidden snacks. I finally unearthed two slightly crumbled cookies and crushed bag of chips. Of course, what did I expect, a TV dinner?  
  
Set the food aside and yanked my walkman out. It was fine, a little scratched, but still usable. I only had the batteries in it though, so I didn't turn it on so as to save the energy. I hadn't noticed I was making too much noise until the guards ushered me to be quiet.  
  
It was only then I paid attention. I knew this had to be the council of Elrond. Mentally I picked out the familiar characters I knew like the back of my hands before me. Frodo, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn.I then turned my head toward Emily. She didn't seem as interested as I was, obviously, because she seemed only half listening. I poked her. She hissed in my ear, "Would you stop? I would LIKE to listen to some of this so I can sell their exact words on Ebay!"  
  
About that time I began listening to their little council. It ran somewhat along the lines as to what happened in the book form of Lord of the Rings, but the movie version left quite a lot out. I started to think Peter Jackson would have profited more off of this more than we would have. For an hour I sat there, waiting. Amazingly enough I wasn't fidgeting or drifting off as I normally would have in a meeting. I guess it was because it concerned my obsession. Right about then I also noticed the hobbit Frodo staring at me with a look of slight confusion. I looked down at my shirt, which said "I'm Obsessed With My Precious" and a picture of the One Right underneath (courtesy of-yes, you guessed it, our favorite-Wallace!). Along with that was my fake One Ring on the black cord, which I wore everyday. I could understand his confusion. I tried to mouth the words "its FAKE!" to him but this only caused more bewilderment. Elrond suddenly turned his eyes toward me. "Is there something wrong?" he asked me curtly. I scowled.  
  
"Well, he's staring at me like I'm a possessed idiot!" I said, jabbing my thumb towards Frodo. I held up my One Ring. "I think he thinks this is the real thing. Its FAKE. F-A-K-E. Fake. Not real. Non-existent. Okay, well maybe is does exist because you're looking at it but that's not the point. It's.ah." I paused here and looked at Emily, who was waking up from her nap. "What's this made of?"  
  
"Why are you asking me? It's made of metal with gold paint over it, what more do you want to know?" she asked sleepily. They all sort of just mentally shook their heads at me and continued on with their talking. I sighed, annoyed. Why did these people not take me seriously? To amuse my self, I began humming the song I heard Gollum sing on the movie, the Two Towers. We only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet! I hummed. That song was stuck in my head in no time. I couldn't stop humming it. Finally, Elrond looked at me again.  
  
"What are you doing now?" he said, irritated more than ever.  
  
"I'm singing the Gollum song! Want to hear it? It's really cool."  
  
"The what?" he said, looking very confused, as everyone seemed to be when I spoke. "Never mind," I muttered and went back to listening. Near the end of the two hours since we had arrived, I roused myself from a half-sleep.  
  
"And my ax!" I heard someone say. Probably that odd dwarf. Then it hit me that they were forming the Fellowship. The movie style too. Personally I liked that way better, but that's just me. Then suddenly, something made me jump out of my seat, Emily looking at me like I had just full gallon or two of beer.  
  
"And you can have our stupid, obnoxious mouths!" I said clearly. I surprised myself by saying this, but I though, what the heck, I'll just die younger. I dragged Emily over to the little group that was formed. The dwarf, Gimli, sort of glare at us and the elf, Legolas, sort of half grinned and shook his head in amusement. The first man, Aragorn, seemed to have a look of slight panic across his face, and the other one, Borormir, stared off into space. The hobbits just looked at us like we were rabid animals. Emily gave a half-hearted wave and an embarrassed grin. I only looked at Elrond determinedly, daring him to object. If he did he'd meet my wrath.  
  
I think he chose to ignore our being there. So did everyone else. Except Sam. I knew there was something odd about that hobbit. He kept muttering under his breath death threats to us. He didn't know I was deadly with food. No one throws a better food fight than me. Not that I've ever had one, but I'm sure I am the best. And I know, that has NOTHING to do with this story and you didn't want to hear that.  
  
Elrond gave us both rooms to sttay in for the next two days. He also sent two Elven women to give us clothes. At first I wouldn't let them take my jeans and shirt. I spent months getting my jeans to feel just right and my "I'm Obsessed With My Precious" shirt was very important. Emily was much more willing. They gave her a green tunic and brown breeches. Finally they told me that I could keep my original clothes but I needed to changed into cleaner ones. I grudgingly accepted the soft Elvish linens and packed away my jeans and shirt.  
  
The two Elves informed us that "their Lord Elrond" expected us to join him for dinner. Emily was happy to oblige but I didn't want people watching me eat just then. The same two lead us into the large dining hall later on despite my objections though. We were seated four seats down from Elrond.  
  
All during dinner, Emily kept telling me to do things like sit up strait and use and napkin and such. "Emily, if they have a problem with my manners then they can make me eat outside for all I care!" I finally told her in exasperation. The person sitting next to Emily started to laugh. I glanced over and almost choked on the water I was sipping, but managed not to. Aragorn himself was sitting next to her. He gave us a quick smirk before turning to the Elf on his other side. Emily went back to her food, shooting me dark looks.  
  
Finally the long dinner ended and we were lead back to our rooms. I fell into bed with exaustion, and fell right to sleep.  
  
Well, now, that wasn't so scary, was it? Yes, you have offically gotten through the first chapter! Want to go to the others?  
  
Anywayz, this is my first fanfic so be KIND. K-I-N-D. All flames shall be sent to Bob the Balrog in hopes of returning his life back. Poor Bob.I swear he would have made a nice puppy dog if you gave him a chance. *gives Gandalf evil death glare for killing her Bob*  
  
I first started the fanfic a while ago and I just posted it up on here, so that's why there's four chappies already.  
  
I like constructive critisizm.Yeah, like stated above though, flames will be given to Bob. *sobs for Bob momentarily* Alrighty.sorry. Sorry if there's grammer mistakes and such. I'm too lazy to go through spell check on MS Word.It keeps pointing out intentional grammer errors. Bear with me. 


	2. On Why I Think The World Is Ungrateful

DISCLAMER: Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Two: On Why I Think the World Is Ungrateful  
  
  
  
I had once again started humming the Gollum song under my breath. That song can really get to people. But hey, at least I wasn't singing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves!" I thought they should all be grateful. I decided that since Emily kept giving me death glares as we packed our VERY few items for our journey that would probably ending with us both deceased, I should stop. I took my little bag that the Elves gave me and trooped off with Emily to meet all the other victim-er, I mean Fellowship.  
  
****  
  
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes something like this!" I was chanting loudly to myself. We had left Rivendell three days ago. Emily and the rest of them looked ready to kill, which was absolutely fine with me.  
  
"Hey, why are there so many rocks here? This is so weird. I've never seen so many rocks in one place. Is this like a rock zoo or something? Or a rock shelter? Oh, are they up for adoption?" I said.  
  
"Do you ever be silent?" Gimli grumbled.  
  
"No, sorry. It's this thing in my blood I think. I never shut up, not even when I'm sleeping!" I thought I heard Emily mutter something along the lines of "Lord do I know that." I scowled at her then turned to where Boromir was teaching the two hobbits, Merry and Pippin, to use swords.  
  
"Hey," I said to them. "Can I try?"  
  
"No!" Emily instantly shouted. "You'll poke someone's eye out! Or cut the tip of their nose off or something worse than that!"  
  
"You've been reading too much again," I scolded her. "I will not. Please?" I did my best impression of a pleading look. It did me no good.  
  
"Forgive me, but I do not trust you enough with something as dangerous as a sword," Boromir replied bluntly. Aragorn, who was smoking his pipe nearby, snickered. I always knew he was an evil one. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he could be a nice guy and all, but when he tries to kill someone for the Ring, it just gets to me. I don't know why. I gave him, Aragorn, and Emily "the look."  
  
Emily sat herself down near Aragorn and say off-handedly, "Don't mind her, she makes it a point to be obnoxious." Right then I decided to cause a great annoyance to all of them. You see, I normally wouldn't be this irritating, but I was hyper and it was very boring waiting for them all to get started again.  
  
Taking a seat next to Emily, I asked innocently, "Are we there yet?" It never failed to annoy anyone.  
  
"No," said Aragorn calmly. "And it's no good asking that." Drat. He's immune to my insane-ness.  
  
"Fine, don't give the small child details," I replied sulkily. At this he laughed.  
  
"We are in Hollin. Long ago Elves lived here, in more peaceful times, but now they have all gone," he said. "Not many live here now."  
  
"Oh. I see," I replied. At least he didn't avoid the question like some of them did. "But are we almost there?"  
  
"No you idiot," Emily said, exasperated. I smacked her on the head and she did the same back to me. We exchanged several half-hearted insults, jokingly rather than hatefully. I was suddenly aware that Sam was eyeing us with great dislike. What was his problem?  
  
"What do you want, you paranoid old bat?" Emily snapped. Neither of us liked the hobbit. I guess we read too many sick humored fanfictions in the past. Aragorn gave her a reproachful look, as did Sam, who also looked slightly disgruntled.  
  
"And here I was thinkin' friends were nice to each other," he muttered. I managed to hear this though, much to his dismay.  
  
"We are nice to each other. In our own special way. When we slap each other, we're saying that we know the other well enough to know they won't take it personally if we hit them," I explained.  
  
"It's like when you get all lovey-dovey and Mr. Frodo-ey with Frodo. Except I'm not in love with Emily, like you, you wrong sick hobbit.  
  
Did I really just say that? Emily started to snicker, then her snickers turned into laughs. I began to grin too. Once again, we got the look from Aragorn.  
  
"Do not take these young fools seriously, Master Samwise," he said, his eyes laughing. "They are only trying to play games with your mind. Pay them no heed." Did he think this is funny or something? He might if he noticed the thing I noticed. I started to smirk at the thought but quickly turned it into an innocently sweet smile. Sam glared at me and turned away, back to "Mr. Frodo." Sure, run to your master. He can't save you know, stupid hobbit! (sorry, random moment).  
  
"Hey, Aragorn," Emily said suddenly. "Is the 'r' at the end of your name silent?"  
  
"Yeah, our friend, Bonnie, thinks that it isn't. And we keep telling her it is. But we need proof," I added and he gave us a look.  
  
"It's silent, if you really must know," he said, looking slightly irritated. There was silence for a few minutes, save the sound of Boromir and Merry and Pippen using swords and Gimli and Gandalf talking.  
  
"So," I said again. "Can I use a sword yet?"  
  
"No!" everyone around me said. Emily snickered. I heard someone else laugh behind me. I turned and shaded my eyes against the sun to see the tall elf behind me.  
  
"Come, if they will not let you learn to use a sword, then you shall learn to use a bow. As much as I wonder, I can't really have you die," Legolas said with a grin. I smirked at Emily who was frowning.  
  
"Are you sure? She might just.I don't know, kill someone with a misfire or something," Emily said uncertainly. "Besides, that wouldn't be fair. You don't want me to die either, do you?"  
  
"I do!" I said and grinned while Emily shot me a glare. She needs to lighten up around other people. You know, be able to stick her tongue out once in a while.  
  
Aragorn, who seemed to like Emily a lot, said, "Well, I certainly don't. Besides, we would all be under guilt if none of us taught the two of you to defend yourselves. Here, follow me." And with that, he led her over to a flat area and began to instruct her on how to use a sword.  
  
Whenever you think of Legolas, he seems to make you think of a calm and patient person, right? At least that's what I thought at first. When he first started to teach me, his first words were, "Break my bow and I break your fingers. Kill anyone, and you will pay dearly." This made me very cautious, but not cautious enough to not want to learn. The first thing I had to do was string the bow. This proved difficult, because my arms weren't quite used to having to bend a piece of wood then latch a bowstring onto it.  
  
Once I accomplished this (after a half-hour of being corrected by Legolas) he started to show me how to position my feet and hands. It always looked so easy in the movies and sounded easy in the books, but holding a bow is not what it's cut out to be. At first, it felt awkward and strange in my hands. I didn't quite get the position right, and I worked at it for the longest time, until Legolas called for a break. I think he did it for his own sanity rather than mine.  
  
"Well?" I asked him was he sat down. "How did I do?"  
  
"Better than anyone like yourself would have done."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It means," he said with a grin. "That since you are not of this world, you do not know how to properly use any weapon, much less a bow. Considering this, you didn't do as bad as I would have thought."  
  
"And how well did you expect me to do?" I asked, one eyebrow raised in a questioning expression.  
  
"Well, at first glance no one would have thought you could even string a bow," he said truthfully, his mocking grin widening.  
  
"That's it, your new name is Pointy Ears," I said and ducked out of the way before he could swat me with his hand. I went off to find that nuisance of a human, Emily.  
  
I found her and Aragorn still at it on their patch of bare ground. As I watched them in silence, I could see that Emily was clearly trying her hardest. This didn't surprise me much, because we she wanted something, she got what she wanted even if she had to work for it. Trust me, living with her bribes is a good reminder of her determination.  
  
I don't think they noticed me until I said offhandedly, "Me and my throw up with be fine without you." This made Emily's head jerk up and Aragorn caught her off guard and knocked her blade out of her hand (It looked liked they borrowed Boromir's sword for Emily to use, seeing as how Aragorn only had his). Emily glared at me.  
  
"Katie, you are so annoying sometimes," she said.  
  
"Of course I am, Wallace."  
  
"Wasn't Legolas teaching you to use a bow?"  
  
"Yeah, but I think he got tired of me insulting everything in sight when I didn't do something right," I replied and she laughed. She turned her attention back to Aragorn and I started to look over the edge of the nearest ridge. Carefully, I made my way through the scattered rocks and peered over the edge. It slopped steeply downward.  
  
As I looked down, Legolas jumped up onto one of the other boulders (yeah, LOTS of rocks.) and looked off into the sky. A black mass of something was soaring across it at a great speed.  
  
"Crebain, from Dunland!" he cried. Aragorn shouted for everyone to hide and Emily pulled me under a bush with her. We watched the group of crow fly over and waited several minutes after they'd disappeared from sight. I stood and brushed by self off, showering Emily with more twigs.  
  
"We must make for Caradhras!" Gandalf said after a moment. Everyone seemed okay with this, except me. He was pointing at a large snow-capped mountain that looked - well, evil.  
  
"I guess that's okay with me. As long as there's no more rocks. That's really getting to me for some reason," I said and they all groaned.  
  
****  
  
We were suddenly all stuck on this one ledge. This stupid blizzard, you could barely see anything in it! I shoved snow away and enviously watched Legolas lightly step across the snow. As he passed me, I tugged his leg.  
  
"Say, can you give me a lift?" I asked innocently. Emily jabbed her elbow in my side and I took his slightly confused look as a no. Elves can be so annoying sometimes. Anyway, about that time the mountain started groaning, like it was about to topple over. I certainly didn't want that to happen. There was an echoing voice around, a really foul one.  
  
"There is a fell voice on the air," Legolas said from somewhere ahead of me. No kidding. "It's Saurman!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"We must make for the Gap of Rohan!" Boromir replied, shouting because he words kept being tossed by the wind.  
  
"No, the Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" came Aragorn's voice from behind me. You have to hand it to the guy, he knew this way from that, unlike some people I knew.  
  
"If we can't go over the mountain, let us go under it! Let's us go through the Mines of Moria." That was Gimli. Gandalf just sort of shook his head and started yelling words I didn't understand. He seemed to be fighting with the other voice. Emily shivered, and I could tell it wasn't just because of the cold. I knew it really wasn't the time, but I was a little nervous, so I started singing "Frosty the Snowman" under my breath through chattering teeth. Just then an avalanche of snow and ice crashed down from overhead. Stupid Saurman. I suddenly found myself buried under the snow. I struggle to get out, and finally Legolas yanked me out. It was about time. I also happened to notice everyone else was dug out before me. Ungrateful morons.  
  
"There you are. I thought you'd fallen off the cliff," he said, smirking. "It's too bad."  
  
"Let the ring-bearer decide," Gandalf said finally. I mentally slapped myself and thought, He can't even see that his servant is in love with him and they expect him to decide where to go? I knew this was very rude and uncalled for, but I was cold, hungry, tired, and did I mention cold?  
  
Frodo paused for a moment before saying, "We will go through the mines." I silently praised God because there was no snow underground, but then I remember something. If this went anything like the Lord of the Rings book or movie then I may be dead in a matter of days. It was a good thing I had my rough draft of my will saved on my computer.  
  
"Are you sure-" I started to say but that dratted elf clamped his hand over my mouth. "At this point, you shall only be ignored, so you might as well disregard any advice," he said, smiling slightly. I glared. Again. Soon I would have to start counting my glares and scowls. I do too many of them. 


	3. Dying Young

DISCLAMER: Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Three: Dying Young  
  
"'The Door of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter,"" Gandalf quoted from the large door before us.  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Merry asked.  
  
"It's plain before you," Gimli said importantly. Somehow this got on my nerves. "If you are a friend, you speak the password."  
  
"What if you're not a friend but you know the password?" I said, just to annoy the dwarf.  
  
"That's not the point, girl," he said gruffly and I sent him a dirty look. In the next few minutes everyone but Gandalf had left to find something to do.  
  
"Why does the water look deep but you say it's shallow?" I asked Legolas. This was another one of my stupid questions asked out of boredom.  
  
"Because you're mind does not work like a normal person's and you see things differently," he said and sighed. We were at the gates of Moria. Just as I suspected, Gandalf didn't know the correct password. We were stuck watching the almost dry Sirannon. Emily was poking at the dirt at the edge of the water, absently writing "Wallace wuz here" in the mud. I hoped we wouldn't have to wait long till we could get in the mines. No matter what happened in there, I was sure that it was better than staying out here.  
  
Merry and Pippen had started throwing rocks into the water. Aragorn suddenly grabbed Merry's shoulder and said quietly but firmly, "Do not disturb the water!" Emily looked scornfully at the hobbit and went back to poking the dirt.  
  
Suddenly, Sam said, "You, girl, get away from the water. You are making me nervous, you are."  
  
"My name is Emily, fool," Emily said straightening. "And I can do whatever I want."  
  
"Emily," Aragorn said. "Sam is right. You shouldn't stray so close to water. Who knows what lurks under its foul surface." At this, Emily stepped away, as if she had been shocked. Grinning, I suspected she remembered the Watcher in the Water. I crept up behind her and shook her shoulders.  
  
"I ammmmmmm the eeeeevil occccctupus!" I said in a creaky voice. She merely looked at me and raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Somedays Katie, somedays." she said. I kicked her shin lightly then jumped away before she could inflict harm upon me.  
  
Just then, Gandalf let out a cry. The entire Company jerked their heads over to him to see what was the matter. "Now I remember!" he said, laughing. "It's a simple riddle. 'Speak friend and enter.'" Then he spoke one word, mellon. I knew the old coot was good for something. We followed him into the dark interior of Moria.  
  
I watched Lord of the Rings a million times on my television, but it wasn't nearly as dark as it was now. I almost ran over Frodo. That helped, but shadows still lurked around the edges of the light. As I took a look around, Gimli was telling Legolas about Moria.  
  
"This is home of my cousin Balin, and they call it a mine, a MINE!" he said. I glanced around and the scene around me caused my stomach to begin to rebel. I refused to puke in front of the whole Company though, and I bit down my fit of nausea determinedly. What stretched before me were the remains of Dwarves and Orcs. Weapons and arrows lay scattered carelessly, as well as bones. I closed my eyes momentarily, despising Moria even more.  
  
"This is no mine," Boromir said after a moment. Well duh. "It's a tomb. We never should have come this way. Get out!" This seemed to bring everyone back to life and we started to retreat. Just then, Frodo let out a cry. I turned and saw him being pulled away by a long gray tentacle.The Watcher in the Water.  
  
"Oh my god!" was all Emily could mutter before she started running away. I started to follow her, but stopped, grabbing her shoulder.  
  
"Wait, Emily. This is no time to be a wuss!"  
  
"I'm not being a wuss!"  
  
"Yes you are!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Listen.just.shut up for a while!" As we sat there bickering, I say in the corner of my eye one of those sickly gray tentacles creeping near Emily's ankle.  
  
"Emily! Watch out!" I cried and jumped back. Unfortunately, Emily wasn't so lucky. The tentacle wrapped itself tightly around her leg and she let out a scream as it started to pull her into the air.  
  
Before I knew what I was doing, I jumped up and latched myself onto the arm. I struggled to hold onto it with one hand, while beating it fiercely with the other. Its other arms were flailing around me.  
  
Suddenly, I found myself falling. I let go of the tentacle but it fell with me still. I landed on Legolas with a thud. Scrambling up, he lodged two arrows firmly in the beast's head. Boromir (still holding Frodo from when the Watcher let go of him) and Aragorn (with Emily dragging behind him) came running up behind us. Legolas grabbed me roughly from behind, shaking me out of my dazed look.  
  
"Move mortal girl!" he cried and pulled me through the Gate. The monster was waving around, frantically trying to snatch one of us up. I scrambled forward, trying to get out of the monster's reach when the Watcher brought down the stone about the entranceway. I was breathing heavily, and could hear Emily doing the same behind me. It was too dark to tell who was where. I stood, then gingerly took a step forward, stepping on someone's foot.  
  
"Hey!" Sam's voice came through the blackness. Suddenly, light filled the cavern from the crystal at the end of Gandalf's staff. It was slightly dim, but we could see where we were finally. Emily appeared at my elbow, her face slightly paled but she looked a great deal calmer than before.  
  
"Well, that was exciting," she said finally into the silence. I groaned inwardly and rolled my eyes at her.  
  
  
  
****  
  
My head scraped against a low hanging rock again for the fourth time. When we got out of this dank cave I wouldn't have any hair left I imagines. I rubbed my skull and glared at the rock ceiling. Emily snickered behind me. I made a point of stepping on her foot in the next five minutes, and claimed it to be an accident. She needed more respect for me.  
  
We'd been walking for at least a day in the dark gloom. I was beginning to feel depressed and tired and cranky, much due to the fact I hadn't seen the sunshine in 24 hours and hadn't had anything sugar-high in the last week. These Middle Earth people knew nothing about Hershey's or Crunch or ANYTHING. It was very depressing, but I can't say I expected it.  
  
Suddenly, the Company halted. Gandalf looked down, not two ladies and gentlemen, but FIVE passageways at the top of a set of stairs. He looked confused and he said quietly, more to himself than anyone else, "I have no memory of this place."  
  
We were stuck waiting for his old mind to remember the right direction. I decided it was time to take action and amuse myself. So, I said, a new inspiration coming along, "I know what is going to happen to each of you when we're done with this." Legolas gave me a look, one that said "This is another one of your jokes and I'm not falling for it." I got similar looks from Aragorn and Gimli.  
  
Sam, on the other hand, seemed to forget about my earlier comments, and said eagerly, "What will happen to me? Will Mr. Frodo and I live happily ever after?" I smirked. This was exactly what I was hoping for.  
  
"Well, young Samwise," I began, bowing my head, pretending to be thinking. "I know that you will grow into a male Madonna, and will forever have an attraction to other boys. Thus you shall live in sadness, without any friends because everyone is scared of you." Sam gaped at me as Emily started to laugh loudly. Legolas sighed.  
  
"I've had enough," he said, holding out his bow. "Should me the correct position." He caught me by surprise, and I stopped laughing instantly. Like the novice I was, I took the bow from his hands. It's still felt odd, but not as much as it did the first day. I carefully placed my feet and hands in the places I though were right.  
  
"You're left foot is too far apart from your right," he commented and nudged my foot closer to the other.  
  
Pretty soon, the others lost interest. Aragorn dragged Emily off for more swordplay lessons. For a least an hour, Legolas criticized me on my stance and grip.  
  
"When will I get to actually shoot something out of this?" I asked.  
  
"When you can properly hold it," was his answer, a grin following it. I scowled back.  
  
"Why? It's not like I'm going to kill anyone."  
  
"I doubt that very much."  
  
"Please? Does this look like the face of a murderer?" I asked, putting on my most pitiful face.  
  
"Yes," he said dryly, but his eyes laughing. I continued to argue with him like this for a moment or two. I wasn't getting anywhere, but all the same, arguing with only Emily gets tiresome. We don't even argue really. Just sort of.debate very intensely. This is what I was doing at the moment. I didn't have any hope in winning it, but it was amusing all the same.  
  
Ten minutes later, Emily came and tugged on my shirtsleeve. I was still at it, trying to at least be able to at least put an arrow on the bow and not shoot it. She was very persistent, so I thought that whatever she wanted to tell me must be important. I let her shove me over to the edge of the cliff we were at, and point downward. A dark shape was scrambling among the rocks. A grin slowly spread onto my face.  
  
Gollum.  
  
We both have our favorite characters on Lord of the Rings, and Gollum is one of those special ones. How can you not love him? I mean, sure, he tries to kill Frodo, but it's that *beep* ring. And when he's Smeagol he's so nice. When Sam calls him Stinker and Sneaker it makes me irritated even more with the fat hobbit, because he never gets to see Gollum's good side.  
  
Right now, I was about to open my mouth when a hand was clamped over it. I turned around to see Aragorn looking scornfully at us.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked, frowning.  
  
"Trying to get a meeting with Gollum!" I replied as though it were obvious.  
  
"Do you know," he said. "How dangerous he is?"  
  
"Of course. But that doesn't mean he's pure evil," Emily stated. I nodded in agreement. Aragorn looked irritated.  
  
"He is cunning and a trickster. He could kill both of you before you could even respond if he wanted to. I, personally, will not risk your lives, annoying as you both are." Though he said this as a scolding, you could tell that the guy really cared about what happened to us. At least he sounded that way. Oh my god. Could someone actually appreciate us despite our jacked up minds? 


	4. The Disagreement Between The Wizard and

DISCLAMER: Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 4: The Disagreement Between The Wizard and I  
  
  
  
"Ah! It's that way!" Gandalf cried suddenly. Well it was about time you old bag! I am not very impressed by Gandalf. True, he is a crucial character in the plot line and if not for him we'd have fallen off one of those numerous cliffs long ago. Something about him just irks me. I don't know why. Hs hat is very cool though.  
  
So, we all began walking again. The wizard led us down the dark tunnel, the light at the end of his staff glittering even more, it seemed, in the growing blackness. Emily and I stuck fast to Legolas and Aragorn. At one of the many five to ten minute resting periods we had every few hours, Legolas shoved one of his knives into my hands, saying, "Just do as much damage as you can with it." I think the elf sensed something bad was going to happen.  
  
After what seemed ages of endless walking, our footsteps echoing off the walls, we came to a vast hall. Large pillars created pathways through the cavern. I stood in silent awe for a moment (just a minute. I can't have the hairy dwarf thinking I'm impressed). Emily merely looked up and said, "It'd be fun to bunji jump off of one of those things."  
  
Here, we took one of those resting periods. I leaned against one of those pillars and open the little bag I had carried all the way from Rivendell. So far, I hadn't opened it. Inside it consisted of all the necessities in life. My crushed cookies and chips, my walkman, my trapper (sadly still with homework in it) were inside. I pulled out my walkman and placed the headphones over my head. Pressing the "play" button, a blast of Sarah Evans went into my ears. I sat there like that for five minutes, until Emily came over and pulled my headphones off.  
  
"Hey, Bart, do you have any duct tape? Sam keeps going on and on about how 'proper hobbit lasses' from his home act. It's really getting to me," she said with an irritated sigh. I put my CD away sadly, and pulled out my trapper.  
  
"I have something better, small grasshopper," I answered and turned to the loose paper section of my trapper. I took a pencil and wrote on it the following:  
  
Sam, you fat ugly hobbit, I am a great spirit. I demand you stop harassing Frodo and give up your affections for him. If you refuse this, then I will come upon you with my wrath.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Foom, the Spirit of Death  
  
Emily started to laugh.  
  
"Do you think this'll work?" she asked as I carefully tore the piece of paper out and handed it to her.  
  
"Of course it will. Be a dear and go plant this somewhere where he'll see it." Emily went off to deliver our message. She came back five minutes later with a satisfied look on her face. "I put it on top his bags. If he doesn't notice it I'm going to scream," she said and sat down next to me. I nodded.  
  
Only moments later came an angry shriek from Sam. We both bit down our laughs, trying to look as innocent as possible. It was hard not to laugh at the hobbit running around sobbing.  
  
"Sam, what's gotten into you?!" Gandalf cried. The hobbit only collapsed at the old man's feet. "Sam! I demand to know what's wrong!"  
  
"Oh, Mr. Gandalf! An' evil sp'rits after me, Mr. Gandalf! And he says I have t' stop being friends with Mr. Frodo!" I felt myself getting annoyed. The dumb shortie read it wrong!  
  
"Let me see," I said as I grabbed the slip of paper he was holding, pretending to read it. "It doesn't say that you oaf. It's says you have to stop being a guy-lover, basically." Sam growled. I stepped back and made the evil sign. "Down heathen! DOWN ON YOUR KNEES YOU COWARDLY SLOTH!" I started to hack loudly, and it wasn't pretending either. Emily started laughing and I glared at her. Gandalf rapped my foot with the end of his staff.  
  
"I demand you stop playing pranks on poor Samwise, child," he said loudly. I only glared at him.  
  
"Let's make a deal," she said, and I started to snort with giggles. (sorry, inside joke). "You give us the hat and we'll act like normal people." Gandalf's hand went to his hat protectively and he marched away, Frodo and Sam in tow. I grinned at my friend.  
  
"Touchy little prune," she commented.  
  
"Old.peanut brittle head." She gave me a look.  
  
"Old peanut brittle head?" she asked and I only nodded. I suddenly noticed that everyone was beginning to move again. Legolas jabbed me in the back.  
  
"Get moving," he said and I jump forward, grabbing my bag with me. Emily followed behind.  
  
****  
  
Gimli's helmet made a loud clinking noise as he dropped his head sorrowfully on the tomb of his cousin Balin. Gandalf was looking at it with a grim look.  
  
"This is just as I thought," he said with a sigh. I sighed along with him. And again. And again. And again. I did this until Gandalf stepped on my foot as he went passed. I planned to make sure something particularly nasty got in his shoe that night. Cursed old bat.  
  
Gimli was still moaning and sobbing in the corner. Emily promptly walked over to him and hit the back of his head, saying, "Get up you lubbering fool. The guys dead and crying will do nothing to help you!" He seemed to be very shocked and he stood up, gripping his ax. Emily jerked away and stuck her tongue out at him. She marched up to Aragorn.  
  
"He tried to kill me," she said simply and he shook his head unsympathetically.  
  
"And what caused him to do so, might I ask?" he replied and went over to speak with Legolas. I was poking a moldy old book. Just to annoy Gandalf, I picked it up and cleared my throat.  
  
"The Barney Worshippers have come," I said in my deepest, darkest voice. "The ground shakes with their Barney Worship dances. They have taken the bridge and painted it purple and green. Cannot get out. Cannot get out. CANNOT GET OUT *BEEP*!!!" Emily burst out laughing and soon I joined her. Gandalf walked over to me and grabbed the book. I caught the words "stupid fool" and "idiot child" as he walked away. Legolas grabbed the back of my shirt before I could kick him.  
  
"You're getting to smart for your own good, Pointy Ears," I grumbled and turned around so I could face him.  
  
"I'll take that as a compliment," he said, laughing. "And let that remark pass. For now." I gulped and nodded. Too many times have I seen what he does to Orcs. Finally Gandalf began to read from the book properly. I busied myself with poking more things. Not the greatest thing to do, but at least it got on people's nerves.  
  
"Cannot get out, cannot get-" I cut him off.  
  
"HEY! I said that first, and it's copyrighted!" I said on purpose.  
  
"Yeah, by J.R.R. Tolkien," Emily added and I shot her a glare. Demon child she was. Gandalf chose to ignore me and went on with his doom and gloom speech. Right about then I expected the head of a skeleton to go clanking down the well by Pippen. It never came. I stopped Gandalf again.  
  
"Hey wait a minute, where's the skeleton falling down the well?" I cried, confused. "Pippin's supposed to knock it down there!" The hobbit gave me a disgruntled look.  
  
"What?" he said in bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"You heard me wise guy." Pippin gave me another uncomfortable look and I decided to shut up. I didn't want the Orcs to hear me after all. Suddenly a loud roar split the air. My eyes widened as I looked and Emily and we both nodded in silent agreement. Boromir rushed forward and poked his head through the door. Several arrows narrowly missed his head.  
  
"Perfect! Those blasted Orcs have a cave troll!" he said as Legolas and Aragorn rushed to help him bar the door. The hobbits and Gandalf retreated backward slightly and Gimli hopped onto Balin's stone casket, thundering something about how they weren't going to kill him. I wasn't paying attention. The two men and the elf stepped back several paces before arming themselves. I nervously took hold of the dagger Legolas had handed me before.  
  
They began to pummel the door fiercely. Aragorn and Legolas launched arrows at them through the holes they were breaking in the doors, but it was no good. The next few moments were filled with tension and then they broke through. They swarmed around us as the Company fended off the creatures as best as they could. Emily instantly was alert and took hold of a sword of an already dead Orc and started jabbing it gingerly at them. Soon she was swing it, actually hitting some of them. I was slashing anything that resembled an Orc. The sight of so much blood was making me sick and I felt ready to vomit, even though I didn't.  
  
My first look at the cave troll made me slightly less nervous. It wasn't THAT big. I gulped and stepped back, Emily with me. The other members of the Fellowship were fighting the beast with earnest, trying to bring it down. Emily and I busied ourselves with injuring as many Orcs as we could. I found that using a knife wasn't that hard; all you had to do was jab. I soon found myself looking up at the troll to see how the others were getting along.  
  
I saw Aragorn rushing toward Frodo, along with Gimli and Gandalf and the hobbits and Boromir.  
  
That was all fine and dandy for them, but they'd forgotten that the troll was still alive and ransacking the ground we were walking on.  
  
Suddenly, a scream shot through the air. My head jerked to the side to see Emily cowering under a fallen pillar, the troll reaching for her. Legolas was on top of the creature, arming himself with two arrows. He launched them both into the troll's head, and tumbled off, his bow flying. The assault didn't hinder the troll, and Emily was still scrambling away, a look of pure terror on her face.  
  
It's funny how one minute your scared stiff, then the next your trying to save your best friends life. That's how I felt then. Everything was in slow motion. I reached down for a discarded Orc arrow, and grabbed Legolas's bow, which was still lying off to the side. I had no idea what I was doing, but I found myself slipping the arrow into the notch and drawing the bowstring back with slight difficulty. Then I let it fly.  
  
The arrow, amazingly enough, hit dead center of the troll's throat. I stood, bow in hand, a look of immense surprise on my face. Emily crawled out from under the pillar, and was quickly retrieved by Aragorn. Legolas took the bow from me carefully, and steered me toward the door along with everyone else. When I look up, for once I didn't see a look of annoyance on his face, but a look of slightly pride. Quickly I began running along with the elf and the Company, Gandalf in the lead.  
  
As we neared the center of the hall, I saw from the corner of my eye at least a thousand Orcs sprout out of cracks and crevices. Soon, we were surrounded. Legolas wouldn't let me go anywhere, and kept me plastered to his side. I didn't have a problem with that, because right then I was really shaken.  
  
As soon as the Orcs came they left. A red glow was issuing from a large opening at the end of the hall. I watched Emily pale slightly, and take a little step back. I felt like taking a hundred steps back right about then. Instead, I stood, rigid, where I was. "What is this deviltry?" Boromir asked quietly. I wanted to strangle him right about then. Who cares what it was, it was big and it glowed fire. It's spells D-E-A-T-H and that was all I cared about.  
  
Gandalf replied, "A creature of shadow and flame. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!" and the Company took off in the opposite direction. Gandalf pointed to a thin bridge not very far away. He drew Aragorn aside.  
  
"Lead them on, Aragorn," he said, breathing heavily. "Swords are no more use here! To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum!"  
  
We came to the bridge moments later. Boromir was running ahead and almost fell off. Legolas grabbed him before the Man tipped over the edge. Then he jumped across and motioned for me to come after him. "Hurry up, Katie," he urged. I backed up a step, refusing to look down, and took a flying leap over the jump. I landed safely on the other side, almost knocking into the Elf as I did so. I regained my balance, my stomach rising up a few notches from when it had dropped, and Gandalf, Gimli, Sam, Boromir carrying Merry and Pippin jumped across till only Emily, Aragorn, and Frodo we left on the other side.  
  
Aragorn shoved Emily forward, and she gingerly looked down, shuddering. She started to run toward the jump, just as a large section of the bridge broke away. By then, Emily way already air born. She let out a little scream, and started to fall from the air. I watched silently, Legolas's holding me back from jumping after her. Aragorn lunged down on his stomach, his hand shooting down to grab hers. I closed me eyes in fear, only to open them again.  
  
What I saw made me feel like shouting out in relief. Aragorn slowly pulling Emily up, staring at her hard. I realized I'd been holding my breath, and I let it go quietly. As I watch the two on the other side, I started to get a funny feeling. There's staring at each other funny, I thought. Bad thoughts started to course through my mind. If they start having an affair, I'll scream from horror. Then Legolas let go of me, but I didn't move until Aragorn swung Emily safely across. I stepped over to her quickly and hit her gently on the head.  
  
"You idiot!" I cried. "You could have gotten yourself killed if Aragorn hadn't have caught you, you know! God! I don't know why I bother, you're just so much trouble-" I stopped and realized with surprise that I was crying a little. Emily sort of smiled at me, but before she could reply, I heard Aragorn cry out.  
  
I turned to see Aragorn and Frodo stuck on a slowly tilting section of the bridged. Aragorn was leaning forward along with Frodo, trying to reach the other side. As soon as they jumped across, the section went tumbling into the blackness below. Everyone save Gandalf made their way to the end of the bridge. The old wizard turned and faced the Balrog. He started yelling, holding up his sword and staff. I wasn't paying much attention. My eyes were fixed on the huge black and red creature that was only a few yards away. I could almost see what was happening next in my mind. I held my eyes shut for the longest time again. I opened them when Frodo screamed, "GANDALF!" and the old bat-er, man, disappeared over the edge of the cliff.  
  
As he fell off, I noticed something lying on the lip of crevice, innocent as can be. It was unaware of the danger, and silently perched on the stone floor, just waiting to be picked up. I went over to where it sat quickly and snatched it up.  
  
Aragorn hustled us forward, until we were almost to the great doorway leading out. I sped forward as fast as I could, my legs pumping up and down like they never had before. I found myself outside suddenly, the white sunlight shining into my eyes. I leaned against a tall rock, taking deep breaths. Emily shortly came out. As I began to catch my breath, I looked down at my prize. A worn, blue-gray wizard hat. Gandalf's wizard hat. I clutched it in my sweaty palms and sighed. They aren't getting this thing back. I deserve it after all I've been through.  
  
Legolas stepped over to us. "Come, we must get moving before the Orcs follow. We don't have much time."  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked stupidly, even though I knew perfectly well the answer.  
  
"Lothlórien," came the reply as he pulled us up from our seats. 


	5. AN

Thank you so much, Dy, for pointing this out to me! I guess I had a little too much sugar.lol. Well, Chapter Five should look right now. SO SORRY!  
  
Thanks for not killing me you guys!!  
  
Katie 


	6. Proving an Elf Wrong

DISCLAMER: Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
  
Chapter Five: Proving an Elf Wrong  
  
The dense forest closed in around our Company as we entered the woods of Lothlórien. It was dim, yet light under the canopy of trees. Soft green moss and grasses grew underfoot. My head was turning from side to side, trying to look at everything. Soon, I caught Legolas staring at me, grinning.  
  
"What's the matter," he said. "Have you never seen trees before?"  
  
"Yes I have. But the redwood and sequoia forests aren't in Oklahoma at the time. Last I heard they were on the road somewhere in Alabama," I said with a smirk. He looked slightly confused, but didn't say anything. I continued to walk in silence after that, keeping my eyes fixed ahead of me.  
  
"Be cautious, hobbits," Gimli said quietly to the four halflings. "They say there is a great sorceress in these woods.." and he went on to tell them about all the bad things about Lothlórien. I grimaced, and fingered the soft fabric of Gandalf's hat. I still had it with me. Absently, I shoved it onto my head, pushing it up so I could see.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas (who was in front of me) jerked to a halt, drawing his bow in one swift movement and loading it. I bumped into him and her turned his head slightly, scowling. I smiled sheepishly, but my smile quickly turned into a frown as a sharp arrow pressed against my skin. I froze, a glare fixed on my face. Slowly I turned to see the elf holding the bow.  
  
"Do you know how many times that's happened to me?" I asked him absently. "Twice! Twice I tell you! This is the second time. Now, if Bush was here, he'd start launching into a long speech about disarming and no weapons and peace, but I'm not Bush. So I'm not resorting to the peaceful way. GET THE *BEEP* ARROW OUT OF MY FACE!" The elf didn't look very surprised. In fact, he looked quite unfazed. Legolas stepped back, his foot jamming down on mine. I had a feeling it wasn't on accident. I told him that I didn't appreciate it by kicking his shin.  
  
Aragorn started to speak in elvish to what appeared to be the leader of this band of assailants, also known as Haldir. Pretty soon the other elves lowered there bows. The one still kept a reproachful eye on me though, and I returned his gaze steadily.  
  
"Aragorn, these woods are perilous!" Gimli cried out from behind me. "We should go back!"  
  
"You have entered the Realm of the Lady. You cannot go back," Haldir replied, his voice full of irritation at the dwarf. So, thanks to Aragorn, we were forced to follow the murdering elves to who I assumed would be Galadriel. I tried to walk as slow as possible, pulling Gandalf's hat, which was now my hat further down onto my head.  
  
See, I love elves. They're the best race in Middle Earth. But Galadriel creeps me out. She walks around with her eyes only half open and it just gets to me. Besides, she talks funny too. I decided not to say much to her unless it was cold and harsh and obnoxious. Serves her right for scaring me.  
  
By now we were climbing up a long set of stairs that reached up to a large platform type thing. I hesitated before setting foot on it because it seemed to hover in the air rather than being supported by branches. Set on the platform was a fairly large building. It sort of looked like a miniature palace in a way. White marble steps lead up to a set of double doors. Aragorn halted at the edge of the steps and the doors opened.  
  
Two elves stepped down. I knew they were Galadriel and Celeborn from the start. Strangely enough, Galadriel didn't have her scary eyes on. I was a little surprised but I guess I should have known better than to trust the movies. She looked at us for a moment, her eyes coming to a rest on me. I glared at her determinedly. Just because she didn't have her scary eyes on doesn't mean I can't be rude to her. She seemed to be very interested in my hat too.  
  
I reached up and growled, "It's mine, Elf, and if you touch it I'll break your fingers!" She only smiled. Legolas gave me a sideways look that said, "I'll deal with you later and don't think you can get away with it." I only glared at him and gripped my hat tighter. Galadriel began to speak to the Company, but mostly Aragorn. I sighed inwardly and started to fiddle with the brim of my hat.  
  
Before I knew it I was pulled into thoughts of my own, not listening to the tall Elven woman in front of me. I glanced aimlessly around for a few moments. As soon as we had come to the steps, it seemed, we were lead away by Haldir to a small, secluded area. The Elves granted us food and comforts that made even me feel less grumpy. No matter what though, I wouldn't let them take my hat.  
  
I heard them whisper behind my back things like, "The poor girl must have been very attached to Gandalf" and "Isn't that sweet; Gandalf must have been very close to her." I finally got fed up with it and went to find some sanity near Aragorn and Legolas and Emily. Now days, it seemed Emily followed Aragorn everywhere, like a puppy to its master. For a moment I envisioned Aragorn walking off a cliff on accident and Emily faithfully doing the same. I grinned slightly, and began to make my way toward them.  
  
"Why does everyone think I really liked Gandalf because I have his hat?" I asked when I reached them. Emily grinned.  
  
"Ai! Where'd you get that?" Aragorn asked suddenly.  
  
"I've had it since Moria. You didn't notice?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm keeping it. It's a souvenir." Aragorn gave me an odd look then whispered something in Elvish to Legolas. The Elf smirked and nodded. Now, more than ever, I wished I'd taken the time to learn Elvish a long time ago.  
  
"What are you plotting?" I asked suspiciously. Legolas didn't answer but called up another Elf, still speaking in Elvish to him. The other Elf went away, and came back minutes later carrying two items: a sword and a bow (with a quiver of arrows, of course). I suddenly realized what they were trying to do.  
  
"You're trying to distract us from causing havoc, aren't you?" I asked, though it wasn't really a question. I only received two nods from the Man and Elf before being lead away. Legolas took me a little ways away from where we'd previously been and handed me the bow. It was nothing extravagant, and rather plain. I decided I liked it.  
  
Legolas made me practice my stance several times before pulling an arrow out of the quiver I'd been given. "If you swear you won't take someone's eyes out," he said, holding the arrow out.  
  
"Then I'll let you try." I only scowled at his grinning face before swiping the arrow out of his hand.  
  
"You know what, Pointy Ears-" I began and received a gentle swat on the head. I smirked. "You worry too much."  
  
"What did I say about that name?"  
  
"That you absolutely adore it and want everyone to call you it?"  
  
"Not quite." he replied with a sigh. It took a whole five minutes before I agreed to cooperate and let him show me how to load the bow. The first time he showed me and then told me to try it on my own I was totally lost. He showed me again and again until I had the feel of it.  
  
"When can I shoot it?" I asked after a while.  
  
"When you can actually put the arrow in maybe?" he said with dry humor. I sent him a dark look and kicked him as he walked by. He pretended not to notice.  
  
"I'll show you again tomorrow-" he started to say.  
  
"Who says you'll have to show me again?" I said and he gave me one of those looks. With that, I marched off, bow and quiver in hand. I had my heart set on showing him I could do something myself.  
  
********  
  
Well, since it's not nice to let people wait, I've added this chapter. As always, flames will be sent to Bob the Balrog.  
  
Tbiris: lol. We pretty much act like that. I've had to exaggerate on some parts (yeah, I would REALLY do something in a battle *smirk*)  
  
CAtz: I know what you mean. ( For the purpose of this story though, he has to let them or else I'll sick Bob on him. *evil laughter*  
  
Dy: I never noticed he left his hat there.oh well. I just wanted his hat. (  
  
Nancy: Thanks for your comments. *grin* At least I know Emily (my editor in my stories and the same one in this) is telling at least a little bit of the truth when she looks over my stuff.  
  
TASAKAPEOTKAUU (lol, mouth full): ME GOTS THE LOTR BOOKMARK ONE RING TOO!!! *insane laughter* YAY!!! Okay.calming down.lol. No body rivals my obsession wit my Elf. *shifty glance and gaurds backpack w/ Legolas stuck inside.* Joking.Hehe. Anywayz, now that you mention it, I'm not really sure of my plans for the TT sequal. Since you is a Lego-person/Elf-person, I'll let Haldir survive. *grin* Plus he's an Elf, and knows Legolas, and anyone who knows Lego is special. He doesn't really die in the book either.*evil death glare at PJ*  
  
Thanks ya'll!!  
  
Katie 


	7. Miss Middle Earth

Chapter Six: Miss Middle Earth  
  
According to Aragorn, we were to spend a week or two in Lothlórien meaning I had plenty of time to carry out my plan. We had already spent five days in the Golden Wood. But that was the least of my worries. I was concerned especially with Emily. She was still carrying on the obedient puppy dog routine and was now becoming a love-sick and obedient puppy dog. Finally I decided to ask her about it. Since I despise the word 'boyfriend' in anyway, I played a very important role in my other friends love lives. NO, I didn't not play matchmaker.well.maybe once but-Never mind.  
  
So, on the sixth day of our arrival, I marched up to Emily, a determined look plastered on my face.  
  
"Emily Wallace!" I began. "Are you hitting on Aragorn?" she gave me a startled look, which quickly changed to a beet red, defiant one.  
  
"No! Why would I?" she asked lamely.  
  
"The jig is up, Alien! I can see you stalking our agent even as we speak!" I said, flashing an invisible ID "MIB, freeze!"  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, Most Interfering Bestfriend?" she replied dryly.  
  
"Just remember, soldier," I said, ignoring her comment. "He's already has a girlfriend, or whatever the little child wants to call it. No interfering with people's love lives for you, kiddo!" She raised her arm in threat and I ducked. She was glaring at me, fuming silently.  
  
"Er.Oh, well, I think I hear Legolas calling me!" I said hastily and scampered off, smirking. I knew that she knew Legolas had in fact gone with Aragorn and Frodo to meet with Galadriel and Celeborn.  
  
Most everyone else had wandered off to do things themselves, which meant I would be alone for a while. I slipped over to my little 'area' and grabbed hold of the bow and quiver Legolas had given me. I went off to find a secluded spot, in hopes of practicing in peace. Carefully I placed an arrow on the bow, and pulled the bowstring back, mocking a shot. I tried to remember what Legolas had told me. As annoying as he seemed when he was teaching me, the Elf had experience.  
  
I stood there for a moment, feeling the rough bow beneath my hands. I shook myself out of my faze and repositioned my hands more correctly. My feet didn't really feel right, and them seemed very out of place. Shifting them a little, I brought my bow up again. The sound of someone approaching made me lower it quickly.  
  
A fair Elven woman was approaching, her hair falling down from a crown of wild flowers in long lengths. Her blue eyes stared at me intently, a slight smile playing upon her lips.  
  
"Who are you, who wander alone in this place of solitude?" she asked daintily. I decided right away that I didn't like her. She look far to lady- like for my mind. I despised all who thought girls were supposed to be delicate flowers of beauty or whatever those empty minded people though.  
  
"I don't see why it matters to you. You, though, must be Miss Middle Earth of something. Tell me, how many times did you enter the contest and win?" I answered shortly, swearing under my breath. A wide, prissy smile fluttered onto her face. As much as I hated thinking those girly words to describe her, they fit this pathetic excuse for a female perfectly.  
  
"True, it matters naught to me, " she said slowly, her sweet voice dripping with honey. I grimaced. "I, however, am Lady Ariavasiel. I do not know who this 'Miss Middle Earth' is."  
  
"Oh, it's a real pleasure," I said, my voice dripping in sarcasm. "I'm Darth Vader." She looked puzzled for a moment, then laughed, a happy laugh. I shuddered at the sound.  
  
"Will you tell me your real name please? T'would be a fair exchange, since I gave you mine," she said merrily.  
  
"My name is Bartholomew."  
  
"What an interesting name. Lady Bartholomew, what brings you here to this clearing with such adornment?" she asked, her voice politely confused. I sighed as she pointed at my bow.  
  
"I am running away from home, dear friend," I said in a mournful voice, trying extremely hard not to laugh. "My mother and father do not care for me, and I fear I am on my own now. I have taken this weapon in hopes of defending myself, though I know it is folly, as I could never do such a thing. I have not the intelligence level to hold this silly boy item." I ended with a sigh of 'regret.' I was actually breathing deeply to keep from cracking up. The look on the Elf's face told me she was buying my 'sob story.'  
  
As I opened my mouth to continued, someone from behind me started to laugh. I whipped around, almost loosing balance, to see Emily, Legolas and Aragorn stepping out from behind several trees. I glared at them.  
  
"You ruined it you oafs! She believed the whole thing and then you come in and start laughing at me!" I said with a scowl. Emily only grinned. I tilted my head slightly to see how the Elf was taking this (you really expect me to remember the ditz's name?). She was batting her eyes at someone, much to my surprise. Who in God's name was here that she would do that to?  
  
I suddenly remember who had accompanied Emily. Aragorn and a certain Elf.When I realized this I groaned and turned my head in Legolas's direction. He was staring up at the sky (or rather the tree branches in this case), pretending not to notice. I smirked inwardly. Well, someone's going to have her girly, elvish tantrum when she gets home when she sees he's not paying attention to her.  
  
"That was the most unbelievable sob story I've ever heard," Emily continued. "Who would ever buy that?"  
  
"Well, Snow White over there sure did."  
  
"Oh.who's she?"  
  
"How am I supposed to know? I want nothing to do with the empty minded thing," I stated gruffly. As if on cue, the Elf started to speak.  
  
"Forgive me, my lords and lady, I am Lady Ariavasiel," she said prettily, enough to make me sick. "I am pleased to make your acquaintance!" I started making quiet puking noises behind my hand. Childish, but perfectly descriptive of my mood. Legolas looked a lot like he was about to do the very thing. Aragorn, being the gentleman he shouldn't have, nodded and did a polite bow. Legolas followed in suit, a little more grudgingly though. Emily just stared at her.  
  
"I am Aragorn, and these are my comrades, Legolas and Emily," he said shortly, purposely stripping all three names of their titles.  
  
"Can I call you Nasal Passage for short?" Emily asked. I erupted into a fit of little laughs.  
  
"No, of course not!" replied Ariavasiel hotly (hey, I remembered her name!). "I've never met a ruder lady than either of you!" She gave us a very lady-like glare.  
  
"At least I'm not a freakin' house wife! At least I can do things by myself and I don't scream when I mess up my appearance!" I shot back at her. If there's one thing I hate, it's a snobbish Miss Popular who thinks she's the center of the universe. They get to me. I never once thought I had been reading Tamora Pierce too much though.  
  
"I keep waiting for one of to explode," Legolas interrupted airily. I grinned at Ariavasiel, who was blushing deep red and muttering apologies. I had very much wanted to wipe that prissy smile off her face, but I still took great pleasure in watching Legolas do it.  
  
"Now if anyone has any objections to it, I'm taking my student off to practice," Legolas said and started to steer me away. "Come on, um r'aug iell." I glared at him for his insult. Though I couldn't speak much Elvish, I could tell what he was saying.  
  
"Oh go throw yourself into a river, Pointy Ears," I grumbled and he grabbed on of my ears. "I think you'd look lovely with Elf ears, don't you?" he said offhandedly and gave my ear a little yank. I gave a startled yelp and he let go, snickering.  
  
"Remember, little grasshopper, you must sleep sometime," I muttered, mostly to myself. "Oh yeah.student?" I asked in a louder voice. He only grinned and went off, with an excuse that he wanted to talk to Gimli.  
  
  
  
****  
  
"Oooooh, Sammy, my friend!" I called in a singsong voice. "I have a new Elf song to show you." Sam gave me a tense look before trotting over to me. Emily's face broke into a sweet smile as she began the song she had devised a long time ago.  
  
"I'm a happy tree elf, tree elf, tree elf! I'm a happy tree elf, la da da dee!  
  
Oooooh look there's a little fox, he looks like he wants to plaaaaaaay"  
  
And she ended the song with a loud crunching sound, as of eating bones. I burst out laughing at Sam's horrified look. He then regained his dignity and glared at us.  
  
"What makes you two fools think an' Elf would fit in a fox's mouth?" he asked with an angry look.  
  
"We don't. Obviously, since it's have to be a huge fox to eat someone like Legolas.It's called humor, Sammy old boy."  
  
"Well, it's not at all funny to me!"  
  
"You're opinion doesn't count because you're just a perverted hobbit who likes gardening." "I-I-I." he stuttered, spitting with rage. "I've had enough of you too idiots! I'm going to tie you up and haul you around in sacks from now on!"  
  
"Oh look, Emily, the wittle hobbit tinks he's sooo big and scary! I've got news for you, midget, I'M FOUR FEET TALLER THAN YOU!" I cried with a grin. Sam stomped away to his dear Frodo as Emily and I began to howl with laughter. An angry, purple hobbit is a hilarious sight. Particularly if he threatens you.  
  
****  
  
  
  
We had stayed in Lothlórien a full two weeks down. My archery had improved greatly and I even managed to convince Legolas to let me loosen a few arrows. In the time spent there I almost forgot about the quest entirely. Though I despretly wished that pathetic ecuse for an Elf would leave me alone, she didn't. Ariavasiel kept popping up everyone, throwing spiteful remarks at me. I was getting really tired of it. You try having some blond thing jump out at your when you're about to launch an arrow.  
  
I decided that something had to be done about it. The Elf couldn't go on like this. So, one of the times she decided to "drop by" I asked her about it. It was when I was with Emily, watching her polish her sword for the eleventh time this morning.  
  
"Emily, are you going to sit there all day and clean that thing?" I asked lazily.  
  
"No! I'm just bored," she retorted and I sighed.  
  
"You are too bored now a days. Should we go do something evil?"  
  
"Like what? I can't think of any more foul ideas to try out on Sam," she replied and set down the cloth she was using. I was about to reply when I heard a bit of giggling. Groaning, I stood and started to poke my hand through a larg bush nearby, knowing that Ariavasiel was hiding somewhere. She wasn't in the bush however.  
  
"God, where is that freak of an Elf?" I cried in exasperation as Emily smirked. "And stop laughing at me. She's driving me crazy!"  
  
"You and me both," I heard someone behind me say. As I turned, I saw Legolas walking toward his, Ariavasiel at his heels. A grin slowly spread onto my face and he glared at me.  
  
"Well someone's got a stalker." Emily commented slowly and set her sword down. I listened to Ariavasiel talk to Legolas however, and not my friend.  
  
"Please will you come with me?" the she-Elf pleaded.  
  
"No! I've told you a hundred time, NO!" Legolas cried out in anger.  
  
"I think that means 'go away and never come back because if you do I'll be reading to use you for target practice,'" I told Ariavasiel with a mocking smile.  
  
"You stay out of this, you cocky *BEEP*," she snarled at me.  
  
"Make me you little."I trailed off, but started again. "Meepneep meepfee meeper meeplahy moop!" Everyone stared at me except for Emily, who started to snicker. I was talking in our secret language we made up with our friend Bonnie, called the Meepish Language.  
  
"What was that?" Ariavasiel asked suspiciously.  
  
"Oh nothing. I just called you a fuzzy pink, crudy, mongoose," I replied sweetly and watched Ariavasiel's face gather a confused and angry look.  
  
"Why you little-" she started to say but I cut her off.  
  
"Just go away or else I'll curse you to an oblivion. And green makes you look like an oversized cabbage by the way," I said tartly, gesturing to her forest green dress. She glared at me, then Emily. With a last glance at Legolas, who was trying very hard not to break into laughter, she stormed off.  
  
"At least we won't see her for a while." Legolas said finally.  
  
"I doubt it. I didn't insult her very much."  
  
"But she took it very badly. Just watch, you'll see," he replied. I dearly hoped so, because if she jumps in my face again, I just might rip her pretty little self to shreds and scatter her bloody remains for the vultures to eat.  
  
*****  
  
I hope it didn't take me too long to update. I'm hoping to add chapter seven on soon. TASAKAPEOTKAUU: Gaaa.away from the Lego-backpack demon fangirls. I'm armed with my spork of doom. *sits on backpack protectivly.* I hate those stupid fan girls.they're like Ariavasiel actually. *grin* Anywayz, I think you'll have ta ask Tolkien's grave if you can have Haldir... I don't own *starts to weep* LOTR! (as seen in too long disclaimer.lol)  
  
Dy: THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN! I am such an airhead.  
  
A/N-The Meepish Language is copyrighted by the Katie and Emily DJ Company and.nevermind. Me and Emiloo made it up (w/ the help of our friend Bonnie) so therefore it's COPYRIGHTED. Not REALLY but please don't use it as your own. Even if I only put in one sentence. *grin*  
  
OTHER A/N-From what I found out, "um r'aug iell" means "evil demon girl" in Sindarin. I found it out off of a site called The Sindarin Dictionary. Yeah, like in the story, I have no idea how to say much in Elvish. *sobs momentarily* Anyway, I have no idea if it's right or not, because I just put together the words "evil" "demon" and "girl." If anyone has any tips to help me with Elvish, my ears are open! *grin* This is the url for the Sindarin Dictionary: http://www.jrrvf.com/%7Ehisweloke/sindar/ 


	8. Guinea Pigs and Axes

Chapter Seven: Guinea Pigs and Axes  
  
As much as I hated admitting it, the Elf was right; Ariavasiel left me alone for the rest of the time. Legolas himself however wasn't so lucky. She followed him around and seemed to pop up in the least expectable places. Even though she wasn't doing it to me, it gets really annoying when you're holding a bow and someone scares the life out of you so you drop it. I speak from experience. Around that time I began thinking of how to make a fangirl-detector. Maybe if I had one of those, I would be able to save myself from Elves like Ariavasiel.  
  
My idea was forced to wait though, because now my archery was to the point I could actually use it if I had to. Though he still made me practice that, Legolas was now showing me a few moves I could do easily with a knife if I somehow couldn't use my bow.  
  
For three weeks we had already stayed in Lothlórien. Sure, this was a week or two. I had a feeling Aragorn was putting off leaving for as long as he could. Can't say I blame him. When you had all the pleasures of civilization, you never learn to really appreciate food, heating, air- conditioning...you get the idea. Lothlórien had all of those things ready whenever I wanted them. It was a nice change.  
  
Four days after the third week in the Golden Wood, Emily came running down the path to where I was sitting, glaring up at Legolas. He'd just been showing me a defensive move with the knife and then challenged me to a mock battle. I accepted much to my own surprise. What kind of idiot would take on an Elf with about 3,000 years more experience than you? I was obviously that idiot. Only five minutes later I was on the ground with him standing over me, smirking. Now I was sitting next to him, poking him every so often as feeble pay back.  
  
I heard pounding footsteps coming toward us. My head jerked up to see who was coming. Emily skidded to a halt in front of me. I blinked in surprise and watched as she teetered on her toes, catching her balance. She straitened up, panting, an excited expression on her face. "KATIE!!! You'll never guess what happened! YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS!!" she just about screamed in my face. I pulled my head back.  
  
"You need a tic tac or something..." I commented and stayed seated. "What does the little grasshopper want to show her master this time?"  
  
"Katie! Would you just follow me?!" she cried and started to pulled me up. I decided, just to annoy her, I would resist.  
  
"First tell me why. Second tell me why the why happened. Third tell me why the why the why happened. Fourth tell me what in God's name did you eat that made your breath smell so bad?" I said calmly, with only the faintest trace of a smile on my face. Beside me, Legolas snickered and Emily kicked his foot irritably.  
  
"I am not answering the last question, but I will answer the first. JACK AND KIRBY ARE HERE!!" she said loudly. That last five words caught my attention. Jack and Kirby were her two dogs. Why the heck would they be here?  
  
"Now, Fubble Bubble, calm down. You've obviously been hallucinating again. What did I tell you about the wine, now, Emily?" Emily stomped her foot in frustrated and practically dragged me along behind her. Legolas slowly stretched and stood, taking his own little time in following me.  
  
"HELP ME YOU PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR AN ELF! I mustn't give in...I can't...I won't...I will not make Emmy Lou happy!" I yelled and struggled against Emily. Legolas only lazily walked behind us, whistling a little.  
  
"Would you quit acting like an idiot?" Emily said, glaring at me.  
  
"I can't. I was born an idiot." She didn't reply, but only shoved me further up the path. Finally we came to the base of a large tree in which two dogs were sitting. Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What's wrong with that? They're two dogs..." he said and trailed off, looking at Emily expectantly. One of the dogs, the one that was almost all white with a few large tan-ish splotches on his coat, bounded toward Emily. He began to dance around her knees, yipping playfully. I stared.  
  
"Why does that thing look like Jack?" I asked finally.  
  
"Hmmm...," she said and mocked a gasp. "Wait! What if...it really is Jack!?" She had on a look of pure annoyance and I could only crouch down to look at the dogs more closely. They certainly looked like Jack and Kirby. The other one, all brown in color, came trotting over to me and immediately began to lick my face. I sat back and turned my gaze to Emily.  
  
"Now will you answer why the why the why happened?"  
  
"I don't know. But I guess the Fellowship just gained three new members," she replied.  
  
"Three? I see only two creatures," Legolas said.  
  
"Yeah. Did you forget how to count, Emily?"  
  
"No! Mo is here!" she said with an indignant tone and pulled a black lump of fur out of a clump of weeds.  
  
"Hey! Mo-as joined the party!" I cried and made a grab for the guinea pig in her hands. She shielded the little creature from me and I glared at her. Legolas knelt down next to up, looking from the two dogs to Mo in Emily's hands. He shook his head.  
  
"I don't know why I'm surprised," he said. "I should be able to expect anything when it comes to you two."  
  
"Is that an insult? Emily, I think Pointy Ears just insulted us!" I said and reached over to mess up his blond hair. I was rewarded with a scowl. That cocky Elf deserved it though...  
  
************  
  
Aragorn called us together one day. I had a bad feeling that we'd be leaving Lothlórien soon. My suspicion was confirmed as soon as he spoke.  
  
"I have decided that we have over done our stay here. We must continue on this quest that we have begun. Long has the thoughts of leaving the Golden Wood lay in my mind; I'm afraid now is the time to leave." Here he stopped, and silence over took the rest of the Company.  
  
"I have no objection to that at all. However, I have a request," Boromir finally said, breaking the silence. "I wish to leave these two lunatics here. They have only been a nuisance since we left Rivendell." I felt myself start to boil up. Legolas glared at Boromir and crossed his arms defiantly.  
  
"I refuse to leave Katie here. No matter if she or Emily have not been of any use in this journey, I feel they will both play a part in the danger to come," he said, looking at Boromir squarely. "If you had ever thought to talk to either of them, you'd find a real being under all the-the random- ness." The Man seemed to back down a little, but not much.  
  
"And what makes you think that, Master Elf? What good are either of them?" he shot back furiously. "Can they do anything at all even? They're children, and girls at that! Girls can't-" Before Legolas could answer, I interrupted.  
  
"Just look here you over grown excuse for a human. There's this little thing called feminism in the world where I come from. It's when women are equal to men," I half yelled at him. "There's women enlisted in the armed forces everywhere. So if you start acting like a flipping guy who goes around saying 'Men are the superior gender' I'll knock your teeth out. UNDERSTAND YOU PATHETIC WORM?"  
  
"Just look here you-" Boromir began but was, once again, cut off, this time by Aragorn.  
  
"Have you all forgotten what Lord Elrond named us? The Fellowship of the Ring. And that we will stay. No one shall stay behind, even if they are insane lunatics," he said, looking from Boromir (who was steadily scowling at Legolas and I) to Legolas (who was returning the Man's scowling with dark looks) to me (who was glaring daggers at Boromir).  
  
Despite my angry outburst, I was a little surprised in Legolas. Hey, sure, I knew he didn't hate me. But really, I didn't expect him to actually be my friend. 'Maybe he's been poisoned,' I thought reasonably. 'Maybe it made him go insane...Or wait...that might just be me. Hey, he even actually sounded like a modern person and not some guy out of a Old Ye England movie. It's definitely me.' Emily smiled sweetly at Boromir and stuck her tongue out.  
  
"We leave tomorrow at noon. I have requested that Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn grant us boats. We will go up the Anduin River," Aragorn began again. "I suggest you all rest as much as you can; the trek ahead will not be an easy one." The hobbits and Gimli slowly wandered off to do their own thing. Boromir stayed to converse with Aragorn, probably to argue more. Emily, who didn't want to stay and listen to Boromir, followed Legolas and I.  
  
"Are there really women who take up arms in your world?" Legolas asked suddenly.  
  
"Sure. It's really pretty cool...They don't have to wear dresses either," I replied.  
  
"Are they all like that?"  
  
"No, only people like Katie who believe every female who wears a dress or the color pink is a Barbie," Emily said and I poked the back of her head. Legolas looked at us oddly for a moment, but didn't comment, out of experience I guessed.  
  
"Do you miss it?" he asked instead.  
  
"Miss what?"  
  
"Where you came from."  
  
"Not particularly. Oh, I suppose we'll have to go back someday, but the more I think about it I really don't want to," was my only reply.  
  
"You're weird Katie. Don't you miss Andy and your mom and dad and everyone else?" Emily scolded me.  
  
"Not really...I just miss Coke. And pizza. But it's not like we're staying here forever, Emily. Eventually someone's going to come along and tell us they know how to get us back and we have to leave." Emily rolled her eyes at me and muttered something like "how'd I get stuck with you" under her breath. I only grinned.  
  
"Would you really not leave me here?" I asked Legolas suddenly. He thought for a moment and I scowled, knowing he was taking his merry little time on purpose.  
  
"Of course not. As much as I wish it," he said with a mocking grin. He shielded himself from my hand which was flying up to slap the back of his head.  
  
"Sure. That's what they all say," Emily said suspiciously. "Then boom! You find yourself in the smelly kiddy tubes at McDonalds in front of a kid who's hurling his lunch."  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked and raised my eyebrow.  
  
"Nothing. But I felt like saying it," she replied smartly. Legolas sighed.  
  
"Not asking," he said, mostly to himself, and I smirked.  
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, Everybody's-" I was chanting. Emily grabbed her sword and hit me with the blunt edge of it gently.  
  
"No you don't!" she cried and stuffed a handkerchief into my open mouth. I glared at her.  
  
"Hey, you're the one who eats the hankies, not me!" I said and shoulder my bag. She followed me toward the river bank where the rest of the Fellowship and several Elves were gathered. I hopped into a boat with Legolas and stared at the oar he handed me.  
  
"What am I supposed to do with that?" I asked finally.  
  
"Well, rowing is always a good idea. After all, oars don't make very good weapons," he replied and shoved it into my hands. I glared and him.  
  
"Fine, make the small weak child work. It's not going to be my fault though if I 'accidentally' run us into Boromir's boat," I declared stubbornly and he grinned.  
  
"I have no problem with that," the Elf murmured.  
  
Soon we were steadily rowing away from the shore in the light Elven boats. I managed not to run into anyone, though I dearly wished I could. Gimli had joined us in the boat and at the moment he was speaking to Legolas about something I didn't care about. I looked over to my left where Aragorn, Sam, Frodo, and Emily were rowing some feet away from us. Emily has managed to convince Aragorn to let Jack and Kirby come along. It took her forever, but he finally gave it. Why he did that was beyond me, but I guess it was just Emily. She can be very...forceful when she wants to be. Trust me. I speak from experience.  
  
On my right was Boromir and Merry and Pippin. I shot him a glare, which he returned faintly. Hope he runs into a rock. Stupid fat Man...  
  
Before we could even leave the river and enter the Anduin, a large swan boat drifted toward us. Galadriel and Celeborn were sitting in it. Aragorn and Galadriel spoke shortly in Elvish, then he followed the two Elves back to shore. He told us that we could dine one last time with the Lord and Lady of Lothlórien. Legolas steered us back with the other two boats until we gentle bumped onto the back. I scrambled out of the boat and jogged over to catch up with Legolas.  
  
For at least and hour we stayed and ate, until I grew bored and Emily and I strolled off to do something. Two Elven archers who were standing nearby ushered us back, though, saying Galadriel wished to speak to everyone before we left. We grudgingly went back and I tossed myself down next to Legolas.  
  
"Why are people here so pushy?" I asked him sulkily while sending glares at the two Elves who had sent us back.  
  
"That's a matter of opinion," he said with a slight smile. "It depends on whether you are an innocent traveler or an insane mortal."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, Elf Boy?" I said with an irritated look. His hand moved up to his knives, a scary looking smile on his face. "Please don't kill me." With that I scooted off to annoy Emily and Aragorn. As I was about to ask another stupid question, Lady Galadriel called for attention. All eyes turned toward her...well, except mine.  
  
"Though you leave Lothlórien now," Galadriel began. "Lord Celeborn and I wish you to accept these gifts, for you to remember your time here." With that, she began giving her tokens to the Fellowship. With a bored sigh I started to poke Emily in the back of the head whenever I could find time to. With one eye I watched Emily; with the other I watched Galadriel. To Aragorn she gave an intricately designed sword sheath, along with a shiny green brooch. To Legolas she gave a Galadrim bow. To Boromir went a belt of gold; and Merry and Pippin likewise, with silver belts. Gimli requested three strands of her hair, which she gave to him. I half expected her to send us on her way then, but she sought Emily and I both out from the back of our little party. I gave her a dark look, but she only smiled.  
  
"Lady Emily," she said, looking first at Emily.  
  
"Lady Galadriel," she replied, smiling only a little. I snorted (with laughter you idiot reader, not like a pig...you people really do have messed up minds) and she shot me a look of annoyance before turning back to the Elven woman before her.  
  
"I believe that you will find this useful, since your teacher has failed to present you with an item such as this," she said and revealed a beautiful sword sheath. It was a very carefully designed object; green gems adorning it in several place, silver lines swirling around it. Emily gave a little bow with her head and clasped the sheath to her belt. I finally turned to look at Galadriel. "You, Lady Katie-Katie, are a much more difficult person to figure out. What is it that would please you?" she asked me with a delicate smile. If it wasn't for her wise old stuff, I would have sworn she was just like Ariavasiel.  
  
"Well..." I said, thinking of what would be the most obnoxious thing to say. Legolas kneaded me in the back warningly and I "accidentally" stepped back onto his foot. Before I could reply she drew something out from behind her. How she did that I don't know. Maybe Elves can make stuff appear just like that...Who knows. She held it in front of her, and my breath caught in my throat. I was careful not to show any sign of excitement though.  
  
"This is a book of our language," she said softly and I took the thick book from her. It was only slightly heavy, which surprised me because it was pretty big. "It has every word ever spoken in Elvish." I only muttered a thank you, but look at her with larger gratitude than my words. She nodded her head only slightly, a smile playing on her lips. I stationed myself back between Emily and Legolas, looking down at the treasure I held in my hands.  
  
"I bid you all farewell. Remember that as long as you have faith in your Company, somehow your quest shall succeed," she said now, addressing the whole Fellowship now. She said no more than this, and we slowly filed back into the little boats the Elves had granted us.  
  
For hours we went up the Great River. My legs began to cramp and I was getting tired and hungry. Legolas finally let me row though. As I took the oar from him, an all together too innocent expression on, I began to move our boat. I wasn't as fast as the Elf, but I wasn't slow either. I knew that he hadn't guessed my plan yet, because he was leaning back a little, staring up at the sky. Now was my chance to cause chaos.  
  
Slowly, I began to veer the boat to the right, gently at first but slowly gaining speed. Looking over my shoulder, I saw that Legolas was silently watching me, his face expressionless. I quickly looked away and put the boat back on course. Stupid Elf. He just HAS to watch me every five seconds. For twenty minutes I rowed in silence, careful not to look suspicious. Finally when I looked back, I saw he was dosing quietly. Tee hee. Elf Boy has to sleep some time. I made sure Gimli was staring in the other direction when I started to paddle over to the right. I tried to look as innocent as possible, which wasn't easy because there was a mischievous grin plastered onto my face. Pay back time kids.  
  
Quickly, I rammed the boat into Boromir's, not very hard but enough to through him off guard. Legolas, too, was thrown away and he was looking about wonderingly, giving Gimli a questioning look. I immediately put on a horrified expression.  
  
"Oh my God! Boromir, I'm SO SORRY! Please forgive me," I pretended to plead. "I swear it was accidental!"  
  
"Just-just leave me alone," he gasped and regained his composure. I smirked inwardly and straitened out our boat. Legolas tapped me on the shoulder and I handed over the oar.  
  
"Next time do it when I'm not sleeping, if you don't mind," he grumbled and I put on a sweet smile. "And stop doing that. You remind me of that horror in Lothlórien." Just to get on his nerves I smiled again. He picked the oar out of the water and made a motion toward me like he was hitting something. I quickly turned around and looked to my left at Emily.  
  
It looked like Frodo was making friends with Kirby...the dog was sitting in his lap, panting happily. Aragorn looked slightly irritated, since Sam was trying to get Mo away from Emily. Emily finally slapped Sam and the hobbit backed off. She put Mo in her shirt pocket and shot Sam a death glare, which he returned. I thought I heard he say to him, "On Katie's unworthy hide, I swear you will not kill Mo!" She is such an ungrateful balloon head sometimes.  
  
Soon we pulled onto shore for a rest. We weren't quite there yet, according to Aragorn, but almost. With a weary sigh I threw myself onto the ground and laid back. Emily's shape loomed over me. She thrusted something into my face.  
  
"What do you want?" I mumbled and sat up.  
  
"You have to hold onto Mo for me. Sam keeps trying to eat him," she stated and handed me the furry creature.  
  
"Why hello Mo-as. You must be wanting to take an adventure into the cooking pot," I said and started to scoot over to the VERY small fire Gimli was making. I swear that dwarf can't camp worth a penny. Then again, neither can I. Emily was about to object.  
  
"I was kidding, Emily, God!" I exclaimed and tucked Mo into the crook of my arm. "But only until we get there."  
  
"Get where?"  
  
"I dunno. To those big statues Aragorn was talking about."  
  
"Oh...okay," she said and stalked off. I look at the guinea pig in my hands and tucked him into a little flap on the outside of my bag. I wasn't going to carry him around all day. Then I crouched next to Gimli.  
  
"You know, I don't really know why you bother even trying to start one of those. It's only going to start working RIGHT when we leave and then-"  
  
"Did I ask for your comment, girl?" he grunted angrily and I smiled.  
  
"Yes," was all I could reply before he swung his ax. I ducked and edged away from the murderous demon. Lord, what kind of person swings an ax around like that? He could take someone's head off. I'm sure he didn't want to behead me...or did he?  
  
Sorry if it took little Katie so long to update. I made this thing SEVEN PAGES LONG though on MS Word. So no killing Katie...Arg...MUST HURRY!! SCHOOL IS COMING!!! Bye ya'll. Can't update soon, I'm leaving for the weekend. Toodles ya'll!! Thanks for the reviews, sry I can't address them personally. 


	9. The Kidnapped American

Chapter Eight: The Kidnapped American  
Three days we traveled up the river. We stopped five times in those three days. I was often very testy and short-tempered. The fact that the Man-Freak (Boromir, FYI) had been bugging me the other four times didn't help my mood much either.  
  
I was watching Emily argue with Frodo whether Jack or Kirby was better. Frodo, who was now good friends with Kirby, naturally defended him, but Emily insisted Jack was better behaved. I listened to them for half an hour until I finally got sick of their bickering. Would they EVER SHUT UP? Grumbling, I went digging inside my back for my ever so handy walkman. Placing my Sarah Evans CD in, I let the words fill my ears. Tapping my foot a little, I sung the words to myself in my head.  
  
"'We're only human, baby We walk on broken ground. We loose our way, We come unwound. We're turnin' circles, baby We're never satisfied, We fall from grace Forget we can fly  
  
But through all the tears that we cry We'll survive  
  
Cause when we're torn apart, Shattered and scared, Love as the grace to save us. We're just two tarnished hearts, When in each other's arms We become saints and angels""  
  
I listened to the whole song before I realized that Emily and Frodo were staring at me.  
  
"What?" I asked with a glare.  
  
"What in God's name are you listening to? Whatever it is, it must be odd, because-" Emily began but I cut her off.  
  
"Hey, no one disses my country music! Sarah Evans is cool," I said loudly, scowling. "It's better than that crud you listen to. Half the time you can't even tell what they're saying." She didn't reply; just resumed arguing with the hobbit. Finally, I threw my headphones off. My favorite song had finished and I was bored again. I scooted over to Legolas, who was leaning against a tree, talking to Aragorn. They only noticed I was there after they'd finish gibbering in Elvish.  
  
"What now?" Aragorn asked tensely.  
  
"I'm bored, small ones," I stated. "How long are we staying here?"  
  
"Not much longer," Legolas replied, glancing at Aragorn before continuing. "Orcs are closely behind us. I fear they may be upon us soon if we don't hurry." I was silent for a moment, knowing that indeed they would catch up. Hey, at least the Man-Freak will be dead. Maybe I can tip his boat one more time before he kicks the bucket...I'm not normally a mean person (IT'S TRUE, I SWEAR!) but that guy is so flippin' annoying. The bad kind of annoying too.  
  
"It's too bad we don't have Princess Puff with us..." I commenting with a sigh, referring to Ariavasiel, whose name I'd already forgotten. "We could trade her...safe passage for us in exchange for a brand spankin' new slave." Aragorn gave an exasperated sigh.  
  
"I'm going to regret ever going to that council," he muttered and Legolas nodded in agreement. I continued to pester them for ten more minutes before Aragorn stalked away, yelling, "We're leaving! Everyone back into the boats!" With a satisfied grin I skipped (not actually skipped, but you know what I mean, don't you?) to our boat.  
  
****************  
  
"Can I kill you?" I asked boredly.  
  
"No, why would you want to do that?" Legolas replied, an irritated expression on his face.  
  
"Because when you're this bored you go mad. And insane people are also murderers. So by not killing someone when you're bored, you're breaking a very special rule. So can I? PLEASE?"  
  
"That makes no sense. And no, you still can't kill me."  
  
"Can I at least preserve you're eyeballs in a glass jar and put it on my desk so I can laugh at them everyday?"  
  
"You'd have to kill me to get my eyes, in case you didn't notice."  
  
"So? It's preserving eyeballs, not killing. I've already got a jar ready. It's made by the most important glass makers in the world," I said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Do I have to answer that?"  
  
"You just answered it by asking, 'Do I have to answer that' so you really have no choice right now."  
  
"Why me, why me?" he moaned.  
  
"Because you're special? Be happy it's me, and not some pervy fangirl off the net whose life long ambition is to see you without your shirt," I said with a grin. He glanced up, a scared look on his face.  
  
"That's..." he started, but trailed off.  
  
"Wrong. Scary. Not right," I offered and he nodded. "Hey, how did this conversation get started again?"  
  
"You were asking to kill me..."  
  
"Oh. That's nice. Can I drive for a while?" I asked pleadingly, then lowered my voice. "If you do, I'll tip the Man-Freak's boat over for you..."  
  
"You better not. I'll be blamed since it's obviously my job now to make sure you don't get in any trouble...Eru help me..." Legolas replied quickly, but gave me the oar.  
  
"Don't fall asleep this time, Elf Boy, or else you might just be rudely awakened," I said with a mischievous smirk. He gave Gimli a pained look, who had been watching us. He leaned back staring skyward. Gimli promptly fell asleep. Great, I'm all alone in the world, I thought to myself with a happy note.  
  
I paid no heed to Legolas's words and began to make my way toward Boromir's boat. Merry and Pippin watched me out of the corner of their eyes. I gave them an apologetic look. I didn't want to dump the hobbits, but that's what you get when you make friends with the enemy. I was maybe three feet from victory then. With a triumphant look, I scrapped the side of our boat against Boromir's. Legolas looked up calmly, grinning at me evilly. I decided I didn't like that look.  
  
"Took you long enough," he said quietly so only I would hear. I narrowed my eyes for a moment at him, then turned to face the Man-Freak's wrath. He was distracted however, because he and the hobbits were heading toward a little rock jutting out of the water. An EXTREMELY little rock, but a rock nonetheless. They went tumbling gently into it, but hard enough to cause the boat to tip over. I had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting out laughing. Legolas reached over to the struggling hobbits (I mean, come on, they may be able to swim but think of the current...) and pulled them into ours' momentarily. The Man-Freak's boat wasn't harmed, and it bobbed gently along. The Man-Freak was climbing back into it, soaking wet.  
  
He was glaring at me, as I was to him. Legolas swatted me on the head (but he was grinning from the very tips of his pointed ears, I noticed) and grabbed the oar, swiftly paddling over to the other boat. Merry and Pippin carefully climbed into their own boat and sat down, drawing their cloaks around them for warmth. You had to feel sorry for them.  
  
"Sorry you guys got dumped. I didn't make the Man-Frea-Boromir" I stopped myself and remembered they were friends with the little devil. "Run into the rock, but I'm sorry about running into you guys.  
  
"No you're not," Pippin said with a shivering smirk. "But we forgive you anyway." I did reply to this, because Legolas was already pulling away after signaling to Aragorn that everyone was all right. Aragorn stopped his boat until we caught up, placing his vessel carefully between our boat and the Man-Freak's. I could tell Legolas was about to tell me off (probably because Aragorn had told him to do that whenever I misbehaved) so I started talking before he did.  
  
"I did it when you were awake, so you can't get mad at me," I reminded him of his earlier comment. He opened his mouth then closed it again, then spoke.  
  
"Fine. You're safe from my wrath for now," he said with that evil look I despised. "But if you happen to try it again, then you might just go for a little swim." I looked down at the water, then back at him and saw he wasn't joking. I solemnly nodded and started reading my book.  
  
We were getting closer and closer to our destination. We stationed our boats tighter together. It doesn't help if Orcs pick off your people with arrows because you're too far away to help. I was close enough to talk to Emily. She had Mo back now, and the guinea pig was trying to look over the edge of the boat. She pulled him back and looked up at me.  
  
"Emily..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You have a giant spider on your head," I said with a sigh. She raised an eyebrow at me and began to stick Mo in a little pocket of her bag.  
  
"Katie, I really worry." I groaned and tried to pop her one up side the head but she jerked away with a triumphant smirk. So I went to bug Legolas. Again. I think that was the hundredth time I've done that.  
  
"Are we there yet?" I asked him.  
  
"No," Gimli replied after Legolas gave no answer for a whole two minutes.  
  
"How bout now?" I asked again after five second.  
  
"No."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"NO!!!" he shrieked in my ear and his hand went to his ax. I think Legolas was in la-la land or something, because he shook his head, like coming out of a trance (even though he was still rowing, he had been staring straight ahead, looking at the horizon line but not really seeing anything). He quickly saw what was going on and glared at both of us.  
  
"Can I forget about you for ten minutes without you causing some sort of mishap?" he cried, looking at me. I shook my head. He glanced at something in front of him, then back at me, smirking. And yes, he was STILL rowing. I was wondering how the guy could do that. It must be an Elf thing.  
  
"Gimli, could you please hold our course for a moment?" the Elf asked Gimli, who stared at the paddle like it was a disease before doggedly rowing. Legolas reached down to pull out...a long coil of silver Elven rope. I eyed him suspiciously as he cut a good length of it with one of his knives and turned to me. He had on the evil smile, which made me worry greatly.  
  
"All right, Pointy Ears, what are you up to?" I asked. He did answer, but flung the rope around me and quickly bound me with it before I could react.  
  
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?!" I cried, struggling against the strong rope. "You'll never get away with this! I'll call the police on you! The Russian KGB! The America CIA! JAMES BOND WILL BLOW YOUR GUTS AWAY!! The USA government will not be happy that you kidnapped one of their citizens! This is war, Elf! WAR!!" He stuffed a roll of cloth in my mouth and turned around, laughing.  
  
"Maybe now I can get some peace," he said mostly to himself, taking the oar back from Gimli.  
  
************************  
  
I know, I know, I know. Short chapter. I'm such a bad girl, aren't I? I'll update soon though. I wrote the last bit and thought I HAD TO PUT IT UP NOW. *evil grin* Oh well. The song that was in there was called "Born to Fly" by Sarah Evans (my all time favorite singer). It's one of my favorite songs. I know, I'm weird but country music rocks. Anyways...  
  
Dy: *grin* I like Mo too...Emily still denies that his real name is Mo-as though (that's pronounced Mo iss). She's confused.  
  
TASAKAPEOTKAUU: Well, I'm glad the master sees fit with my update. -_- lol. Man-Freak is not poor...he's stupid and evil and a demon because he tries to take the ring from Fro Fro! *bashes Boromir's head* But waking up Legolas is a different story...Cruel yes, but he was a casualty of war. A very cute casualty I might add...*innocent grin*  
  
devil's lil imp: lol, well, I put up a chapter. (  
  
Well, young grasshoppers and bunny slippers, I have one more thing to say. Bob is slowly dying. I must say, it's nice that there's no flames. Or maybe you're just nice people and at not flaming me...oh well, all flames will still be sent to revive Bob. *pats her pet balrog on the head* 


	10. The Fellowship Receives a Rude Awakening

Chapter Nine: The Fellowship Receives a Rude Awakening and Bartholomew is Kidnapped Again  
  
The small, innocent piece of metal glinted in the sunlight. It was such a useful thing, yet none of the oafs knew what it was. I had forgotten that the paper clip wasn't invented yet. But now, that was all in the past. I was the supreme ruler of their attention now. I was standing in the middle of the four hobbits, holding the paper clip high about my head.  
  
"This is a sacred object of my people," I said in a mysterious whisper. "It contains power beyond any mortal or immortal. It has a will of it's own. It is neither evil, nor good. It is called-" I was abruptly cut off.  
  
"KATIE! Get your lazy arse over here and help us unload the boats!" Emily shouted at me from the bank of the river. We'd just reached our goal point, and I had no intentions of helping them unload the boats. I glared at her and didn't reply.  
  
"It is called-" I started again but Emily was still yelling at me.  
  
"You idiot! Get over here NOW, or else I'm demanding your poster and action figure back when we get home! And you're mother will give them to me!" Emily cried, trotting up to get me.  
  
"What poster and action figure?" I asked innocently.  
  
"Your Legolas ones."  
  
"Oh. Well, you'll have a hard time getting those since we'll be staying here a while. Now go away, I'm performing the Ceremony of the Paper Clip," I replied.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's a Migoem tradition, remember? The Paper Clip is only given to the bravest beings of them all," I said and smiled sweetly. When we were in fifth grade we were told do make our own civilization and make up all the junk that goes along with it. Migoem was the result of our insane plot to make the project turn into a crazed experience. Turning back to the hobbits, I raised the paper clip up again.  
  
"It's is called...The Paper Clip!" I ended with a dramatic voice. Slowly, I lowered the piece of metal and presented it to Frodo.  
  
"Frodo, son of Drogo," I said solemnly. "I give you The Paper Clip as a sign of your bravery. May you keep it with honor." I bowed with a flourish and marched off with Emily, who was ranting on about how stupid and insane I was.  
  
"I can't believe you tried to tell them that load of crud! It's not like they're going to believe it," she said and pulled me over to the boats. I grabbed my stuff and set it down on the ground.  
  
"At least I didn't try to convince them that my nose was an amazing musical instrument or that it's fun to shove beans up other people's noses," I said airily.  
  
"You said the word 'nose' twice in the sentence."  
  
"Who gives a toenail worth if I say a word twice?"  
  
"The Paper Clip Guardian does," Emily replied shrewdly. I slapped the top of her head and she did the same back to me. I returned he attack with a kick in the shin and dodged her next assult. I raced forward and jumped behind Legolas. Emily accidentaly kicked him in the groin (that kick was meant for my rear, I know it...) before she knew she was doing it. She sort of stared at him for a minute. He raised his gaze and stared at her with the evil look. It was pure evil this time. She opened her mouth and let out a scream.  
  
"ARAGORN!!! LEGOLAS IS GONNA KILL ME!!!" she shrieked and ran off to find sanctuary with Aragorn. I stepped out from behind the Elf, who was slowly straightening himself from the "cringing" position he'd been in before.  
  
"That was for tying me up, Elf Boy. Now, what was the lesson we learned today?" I asked sweetly.  
  
"When all else fails, use mortal brats as target practice," he said and mocked reaching for an arrow. My eyes widened.  
  
"I didn't do anything! It's your fault you were in the line of fire!" I cried and jumped away, smirking.  
  
"Did I say I was going to use you?" I thought about this for a moment.  
  
"No...But Emily is my partner in crime. You can't kill her. But you can use Sam if you want. He scares me and soon he'll be after us all and not just Frodo!"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Hmmm...Maybe I was talking about the fact that Sam is a guy-loving pervert!"  
  
"That was unnecessary information."  
  
"It's for your own good. When young people like you get to be this age, you must learn the facts about growing up," I said with a sickeningly fake- sympathetic sigh. I started to hum the tune to those sad, pathetically wrong videos they make you watch about puberty in Elementary. I could tell the Elf was confused so I shut up. I felt someone watching me and looked up find Boromir staring at me from across the camp. I shoved my hat (*cough* The one which is no longer Gandalf's), which I'd put on earlier, and gave him my best 'leave-me-alone-you-stupid-fubble-bubble" look. Instead of leaving me alone, he sent me a very rude sign with his finger. Honestly, this guy never learns. I smirked in his direction, absently rummaging through my bag, and pulling out the bag of stale cookies. Very stale. Like five months and over stale. With an innocent glance toward Legolas, I sidled over to Boromir.  
  
"Hey, Boromir. Whatcha doing?" I asked and he merely looked up at me, suspicion written all over his face. "You know, I have these things that taste really good. I don't really wants scared anymore, so I was wondering if you did." I dropped the bag of STALE cookies by him with an expression of what I hoped was pure innocence and went back to my seat next to the Elf. Legolas shot me a wondering look and I shook my head, telling him I'd explain later. I picked up my book and started "reading" while watching the Man-Freak out of the corner of my eye.  
  
He looked over to me, and I swiftly adverted my gaze to the page in the book. When he looked away I began watching him again. He picked up the bag of cookies and pulled one out slowly. Then, carefully, he took a small bite out of the end. Bringing my book up to cover my face (which I was splitting into a wide grin) I listened to him spite of the cookie and crush the rest of it to crumbs.  
  
I spent the rest of the afternoon switching off from annoying the Fellowship in various ways to reading to taking care of Mo while she chased Sam around with his own frying pan, screeching, "GET AWAY FROM MY GUINEA PIG!" Finally, Aragorn called for everyone to go to sleep. I plunked myself down between Legolas and Aragorn, smirking.  
  
"I sleep talk," I said to no one in particular.  
  
"Why does this not come as a surprise?" Legolas replied dryly and laid down. I stared up into the sky, once again wondering why it always seemed so far away when you we on your back looking at it, but not in any other position. Slowly, I found myself drifting off to sleep.  
  
**************  
  
"HOLY GRAPES, THE BANANAS ARE ATTACKING THE CAPITOL!!! SOMEONE CALL OUT THE MARINES!!!!" My screech echoed through the forest. Legolas shot out of his sleep or meditation or whatever Elves do, grabbing his knives which we next to him. Gimli and Aragorn and Boromir were already taking hold of their weapons as well. I sleepily jerked out of my slumber and looked around, oblivious to the fact that I'd woken them all up.  
  
"Wa's 'a matter?" I asked groggily. "Are we are Mount Doom yet, Mommy?" Emily stomped over and roughly hit my head. I rubbed my skull, now fully awake.  
  
"What was that for!?!?" I cried and glared up at them all.  
  
"Being awakened by the sounds of you screaming in my ear is not a pleasant experience," Legolas said dryly. The four hobbits walked over, one or two of them rubbing sleep from their eyes.  
  
"What happened?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Oh nothing. My dear friend, Bartholomew, has just been granted a death wish. LORD IN HEAVEN, Katie you woke me up from the greatest dream!" Emily half yelled in my ear.  
  
"And I can guess who that was about. Maybe even two someones," I muttered and she sent me a warning look. Those two names I was cursed with forever. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, those two names happened to be Aragorn and Spanky. (A/N: Spanky is the code name for an anonymous person who will remain so for now because I value my life and since Emily is my editor, I better zip this mouth of mine, agreed?)  
  
Legolas shot me a look of irritation before sheathing his knives. Aragorn and Boromir did the same with their swords. The Elf walked over and grabbed the top of my ear between two fingers. "Hey, um, can you let go? That really hurts you know..." I muttered. I've had this happened to me before and it's smart just to make sure your ear doesn't get pulled.  
  
"No. Now, I'm going to ask you, do we need to gag you when you sleep too?" he said, only the faintest trace of a smile on his face.  
  
"Nooooo."  
  
"Good," he replied and let go of my ear. I rubbed the spot where he'd been pinching it.  
  
"One of these days I'm going to do that to you! And it'll hurt more, because I'll do it with a pair of tweezers! TWEEZERS I TELL YOU!!!" I yelled at his retreating figure. Aragorn moaned softly and only told me to go pitch myself in the river.  
  
"Katie, dear," Emily said sweetly. "I think it's time we visit the padded room, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, Wally, you sure could use that padded room."  
  
"No, idiot, for you."  
  
"No, idiot, for you."  
  
"Katie, not this earlier."  
  
"Katie, not this earlier."  
  
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!" she cried, throwing her hands up.  
  
"LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME!!!"  
  
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."  
  
"Legolas...can we switch identities? You can put up with her better."  
  
"No. I think you can cope with pain well enough," Legolas replied.  
  
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears," Emily sulked.  
  
"You're really evil, Pointy Ears."  
  
"Katie, you just dissed your role model."  
  
"What else is new?"  
  
"I'm a role model? What in the Valar's name is a role model?" Legolas asked, clearly confused.  
  
"HA! You're not copying me anymore!" Emily said triumphantly, ignoring the poor Elf completely.  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"No, but I like to let you mortals believe that."  
  
"You're messed up."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"I'm hanging up now."  
  
"Emily...you're not on the phone."  
  
"I knew that."  
  
"No you didn't." And so ended the Conversation of the Idiots. It went down in Middle Earth history as the most abnormal conversation ever to be held in their world. Ha, I wish. Though you never can tell what the oddballs in our Company have told to the innocent lives in Middle Earth...  
  
Sooner of later I knew that Aragorn would call us all together to decide where our journey would take us. In fact, that later time was in 2 hours. We gathered around the small fire Gimli managed to conjure earlier.  
  
"We now come to a difficult decision. Should our Company go with Boromir, to Minas Tirith, or to Mordor, where we finish this quest?" There were several murmurs throughout the group but no one spoke otherwise. "If Gandalf had any plans for this moment, he never spoke of them to me. Once again, though, the decision seems to fall on the Ringbearer, for he is really the one with the right to say."  
  
"I don't care as long as there's no Neo-Nazis waiting to slit our throats and spill our internal organs out in the streets," I said nonchalantly.  
  
"Katie, you have issues. Quit interrupting," Emily muttered. All heads then turned to Frodo, who was staring at the ground, silent for a few minutes.  
  
"Give me one hour to think on this. Tis a difficult problem you have given me, and I shall need time to come to a conclusion," he said finally. Aragorn nodded and Frodo slowly walked off, Kirby at his heels. I eventually stood up and stretched.  
  
"Soooooo....what do we do now?" I asked in a too cheerful voice.  
  
"Hang you by your ankles in a tree," Emily suggested. "C'mon Legolas, grab the rope and I'll get the victim."  
  
"That's an appealing idea," the Elf replied dryly. As they said these words I sprang up and started to run.  
  
"YOU FOOLS WILL NEVER CATCH ME! THE GREAT QUEEN BARTHOLOMEW REIGNS OVER THE WORLD!! BWHAHAHA!" I yelled and started to scramble up a tree. Emily followed and grabbed my foot.  
  
"There's no escaping. It's your own fault you woke us up and put everyone in a foul mood," she scolded and pulled me down. I fell backward and landed with a thump on the ground. Quickly, I tried to run away, and ran smack into Legolas who was coming back with the length of rope.  
  
"You guys aren't serious...I mean, the blood could rush to my head and I could die..." I said gingerly.  
  
"We won't keep you up but ten minutes," he assured me with that evil grin. So much for solving the problem last time. I was doomed to die young, I swear. It looked like I would be plotting the murders of a certain Elf and Idiot soon...  
WELL, kids, Katie was a good girl and finished the chapter. I know this chapter is completely pointless and you probably are thinking, "Why in God's name did she put this if it's main purpose was to amuse her?" Well, you answered your own question with the question. It was to amuse me. I just woke up about an hour ago so have pity on my insaneness. Here's a note to you other author: if you eat LOTS of sugar and get sugar high when you write your random humor stories, they turn out better in my opinion. In my case, it was a rice krispie and about ten mint patties. Those mints are flippin' good.  
  
From the reviews I got from the last chappie, I'm beginning to think that I'm actually loved...*sniffs* I'm so happy! You people who review make my day...Now, after you read this, why don't you direct your mouse down to the review button and tell Katie if you thought this chapter was stupidly pointless or not. *grin* I'm glad you guys like the last one.  
  
Surfer-Gurl: *sighs* I suppose I'll learn to cope with the people who respect Boromir. I personally, have never liked him and think of him as a full-of-it freak. That's just my opinion, but it gets to me that he tries to take Fro Fro's ring!! *cries momentarily*  
  
Dragonlet: Oh lord save me if that happens. No, this will NOT be an Emily/Aragorn thing. That would be too scary. REALLY scary. But with you thinking Lego is yours...BACK UP OFF CHIGGA WIGGA!! (sry, my friend says that a lot) *looks at backpack which Lego is in. Stashes backpack in safe with an iron lined interior, with a built in ejection spot in case anyone tries to steal Legolas.* MINE! MY PRECIOUS! *evil laughter is heard* 


	11. Wanted: Lost Hobbit

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
*GASP!* I'm such a bad bad authoress!!! I didn't do disclaimer on the last few chapters...*slaps self* Alright, I admit, I only put the disclaimer up on every chapter because I think it's cool...FORGIVE ME O MIGHTY READERS! *bows*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
DISCLAMER (yay!): Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't.own.ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine.I think.  
  
Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.  
  
Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh.Hey.COME BACK HERE ELF!!  
  
Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.*  
  
Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.  
  
Emily: Okay.*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in her backpack.*  
  
Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary.I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"  
  
This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.  
Chapter Ten: Wanted - Lost Hobbit  
"Hey...I can't feel my ankles anymore...you wanna let me down now?" I pleaded. Legolas and Emily looked up from their seat on the ground. Then they looked at each other and sighed.  
  
"FINE, you heartless pack of slime," Emily said. "You're letting down all the little children in the world, I hope you know that. They want toys for Christmas, Santa, not pictures of you sitting on your arse eating Girl Scout cookies." I stared at her.  
  
"Where did that come from?" I asked, noticing Legolas was drawing one of this knives. "Can you let me down gently? Please?" He didn't reply, and hacked me down with one swift move. I lay in a heap on the ground, glaring at him. Stupid Elf. That's, what, the fourth time I've called him that?  
  
"There. You're down," Emily said.  
  
"I can see that," I replied, my voice thick with irritation. Just then, Boromir stumbled back into camp. I got to my feet and followed Emily and Legolas toward the others.  
  
"Where have you been Boromir? Have you seen Frodo?" Aragorn asked suspiciously.  
  
"I- I did meet Frodo. I tried to convince him to come to Minas Tirith. I became angry, and he-he disappeared. Never have I seen such a thing. He must have used the Ring," Boromir replied guiltily. Aragorn looked at him in disgust.  
  
"Begging your pardon, Strider, but I have a feelin' Mr. Frodo is about to leave us. He knows we would follow him to Mordor. Galadriel spoke with him in Lothlórien. I'm thinkin' he's going to go on his own!" Sam said suddenly.  
  
"You know Frodo best, Sam," Aragorn replied. "I have a feeling you are right about this." Before he could take hold of the situation, Merry, Pippin, and Sam all dashed off to find their friend. Legolas and Gimli did the same, and I, grabbing my bow and arrows (just because I can't tell them what's going to happen doesn't mean I can't be prepared), dutifully followed the Elf. Aragorn glared at Boromir.  
  
"Boromir, go and protect Merry and Pippin, even if you can do nothing else right!" he cried and beckoned Emily to follow him as he ran after Sam.  
  
******************  
  
Legolas led the way for the most part. He and Gimli called out to Frodo to no avail. Big surprise that the hobbit did just pop out and scream, "SURPRISE!" (note the sarcasm). We eventually came to a small break in all the trees. Gimli sat down, heaving a great sigh.  
  
"We've lost Frodo!" he cried mournfully.  
  
"You make it sound like Frodo's a dog that's run away from home," I muttered, hearing Legolas snicker a little behind me. "Let's all just put up signs that say, 'LOST HOBBIT---Cash reward, has One Ring around neck--- If found, please escort to Mount Doom.'"  
  
"Do not give up yet, Gimli," the Elf said. His words obviously had no comfort to the Dwarf, because he let out another sigh. I glared at him.  
  
"Fine, you two can sit on your fat arses, and I'll go look for Frodo myself," I declared and started to march off. No soon had I taken five steps did a large black, burly shape charged out. *BEEP* Orcs. I was taken by surprised, and jumped back, falling on my rear with a thump. Legolas started launching arrows at the troop of Orcs. Gimli charged forward and began to hack the heads of several Orcs while I stood up, retreating a few steps while I pulled my bow out and loaded an arrow onto it. Here goes.  
  
My arrow veered downward and firmly lodged itself in the Orc's...well...never mind, I'm not going to EVEN go there. I had originally been aiming at the Orc's head, but I guess it landed in a good place anyway.  
  
Most of my arrows either hit their destined target on the Orc, or somewhere else equally fatal. I managed to kill six of them (for the ones I managed to count anyway) and injure three. It was a start. A large part of the troop had already been taken down. Legolas grabbed my shoulder and motioned me to follow him and Gimli.  
  
"Come, we must aid Aragorn and Boromir," he said shortly and took off at a run with Gimli. I bolted after them. I, personally, didn't want to be left behind and get lost in a forest creeping with Orcs.  
  
We found Aragorn, who was taking on a mass of Orcs all by his lonesome. Well, there was Emily to help. Even if she could pick off some of the Orcs, I wouldn't have placed too much hope in her. In fact, I wouldn't have placed much hope in me either. But still, as long as we didn't hit any of them, the other three welcomed our help. Jack and Kirby (Emily's dogs, for you poor readers with BAD short term memories, remember that children) were launching themselves at any Orc his could find, closing their teeth on their throats. I think Emily's been training them to kill in her spare time...  
  
Something came whizzing near me out of the corner of my vision. I didn't stop to look at it, because at that moment, a VERY large Orc decided to throw himself on me. He reached for one of his knives, and started to move it to my throat. I struggled from my position on the ground (laying on my back with him on top of me). Pushing my hands up with all my might, I shoved the creature off and grabbed his own knife, which had fallen out of his hand. Moving as fast as I possibly could, I started to rammed the sharp object into HIS throat. See how you like it, filthy moron.  
  
Suddenly, I was thrown back onto my side, and the Orc was coming after me again. He now had the knife, and my bow was too far away from me. Still, I stretch my fingers out, trying to touch the weapon only inches from my grasp. The Orc laughed, an awful sound that made me cringe, and started to quickly raise the knife.  
  
Then, he let out a strangled cry, and began struggling to breathe. He scrambled away on all four, screeching angrily. He fell down next to me, dying. With a malicious grin, he jabbed the knife into my arm. THAT LITTLE *BEEP*!!!!!!  
  
"You flippin' retard!" I cried and looked down to see blood trickling from the cut. Someone reached down and pulled me up. I turned my head gingerly to see Legolas ripping a piece of cloth from his tunic. He swiftly tied it tightly around my arm.  
  
"Keep this on it to stop the bleeding," he only said before disappearing into the throng of Orcs again, knives in his hands. Muttering curses to all Orcs, I grabbed my bow, kicked the vile thing that attacked me, and stormed off to make the idiots pay.  
  
I nailed four Orcs before they started to scatter. I didn't think they'd back down that easily. Of course, we did bring down quite a few. The gouge on my arm was starting to numb or something, because I didn't really feel pain anymore from it, despite the large wet, red spot on the cloth. I straggled over to Emily, who was yanking her sword free of a dead Orc.  
  
"You're hurt," she commented and wiped the black blood from her blade.  
  
"I'm fine, it doesn't hurt much anymore," I said. Aragorn looked up, a grimace on his face.  
  
"They're going to search for the hobbits," he muttered, referring to the fleeing Orcs, and then said in a louder voice, "Legolas, Gimli, follow me; we're going to hold off the Orcs. Emily, Katie, I need you to find Frodo and help him stay hidden in any way you can." Both Elf and Dwarf nodded. Jack whined at Aragorn's feet, butting his head against his foot as to say, "You aren't going anywhere without me." Looks like the furry creatures have made friends with the extra-terrestrials. I fingered my bow nervously, licking my dry lips.  
  
"Hey, what happens if we die?" Emily asked.  
  
"Then we'll mourn for you. Now, hurry! And do try to come back alive," Legolas added before darting off with the other two. I stood still for a few seconds, then jerked back to reality.  
  
"C'mon, Emily," I said, motioning her to follow. "We can go to the shore of the river and watch."  
  
"Yeah, we're watching Frodo get to safety," she said and grinned. We both took off, not wanting to be caught by any lost Orcs, Kirby following us.  
***************  
  
We went back to shore and wait for Frodo, telling each other to not say anything, so it'd change nothing that was supposed to happen. What harm could that be? We crouched silently shadows of a tall tree, watching Frodo. He was standing at the edge of the water, holding the Ring out. You had to feel sorry for him, but you also had to wonder why he always held the Ring out in the open and then go into a trance. I mean, God, any Orc could just walk by and take it without him even noticing.  
  
Oddly, I found myself hypnotized by the swinging gold chain looped through the Ring. Do you ever start watching something really glittery or bright or something and then become entranced by it? That was what was happening to me. He finally slipped the Ring back into his pocket (bye bye shinny, shimmery, glittery chain!) and pushed a boat out.  
  
Kirby shot out from behind Emily, barking like mad. The dog catapulted into the boat, looking up innocently at a dumbfound Frodo. The hobbit looked behind him and I jumped back deeper into the shadows. Emily, however, had different plans. She started to crawl out of the bushes, and I grabbed the back of her shirt just as she called, "Kir-"  
  
"SHUT UP!" I hissed loudly in her ear. "Do you want him to hear us??" Emily whimpered.  
  
"But, Katie, Kirby's going with him!"  
  
"Kirby can take care of himself." Emily sniffed but didn't start crying. "Frodo and Sam get back alive, so Kirby will too. If those midgets can do it, then a dog can. Okay?" She nodded and creeped backward, still sniffing a little. I sighed quietly. She quieted down and I felt her grow calmer.  
  
As Frodo was rowing out into the lake, Sam bulleted out of the undergrowth, shouting his head off.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!! WAIT FOR YOUR SAM!!" he cried and started trudging into the water. Emily stifled a snicker behind me and I heard her mutter something.  
  
"'Meether Frodo!'" she mimicked in a disgusted tone. Okay, well, I guess someone still testy about the dog...  
  
"Go back Sam!" Frodo was shouting. "I'm going to Mordor alone!" The scene played out before me, pretty much exactly as I remembered it. After about twenty minutes the two hobbits were making their way across the water. I breathed a sigh, sad that Sam was gone and I couldn't torment him anymore. I know, I have no heart. But I am justified, since he doesn't like me either.  
  
I started to get up when something caught my attention. There was a dark shape flitting at the edge of the forest, heading for the water. My face broke into a grin as I recognized who it was. I poked Emily and pointed at him.  
  
Gollum turned his head, and then suddenly saw Emily and I. His face took on a furious expression as he started coming toward me. I stepped out and watched him for a minute.  
  
"Hey, Smeagol," I started but he threw himself on my, quietly screeching. "HEY! Wait a minute you deformed hobbit, I'm not going to do anything!" I tried to shove him off. He hissed and I poked my finger in his eye, causing him to jump off, rubbing his eye. I stood quickly, glaring at him.  
  
"You didn't have to do that. I'm not going to attack you or anything," I said furiously to him.  
  
"Then what wassss you going to do, we wonderssss," he said menacingly.  
  
"Either have a decent conversation with you or go back and find Legolas and Aragorn," I said and he cringed at the Elf's name.  
  
"Elves! Nassssty, bright eyes!" he muttered.  
  
"Yeah, he's an annoying little bugger but I guess he's okay for an Elf," I said. Gollum narrowed his eyes.  
  
"You won't hurt usss?" he asked carefully.  
  
"No. Why would we? I mean, I wouldn't have gone as far at assaulting Katie, but I guess it comes with the character," Emily said.  
  
"Who isss the mortals, we wondersss," he said. This could turn out fun. Aragorn is such a liar, he's not that much of a murdering scum.  
  
"I guess you can call me Katie. Or Bart. And this is Emily, or Wally. Whichever names float your boat," I said slowly.  
  
"We don't have any boatsss..." It was almost a question.  
  
"It's an expression. It means whatever you prefer," Emily explained, but he didn't replied to this. "You know, where I come from you're famous."  
  
"Famousss?"  
  
"People really like you," I said with a sigh. Poor Gollum. He hardly knew anything about the outside world.  
  
"Like me," Emily butted in. "I can sing your song!" And then she started to sing it.  
  
"We only wish,  
  
To catch a fish  
  
So juicy sweet!"  
  
Gollum stared at her. I shook my head, muttering mostly to myself to ignore the mental escapee on my left.  
  
"Where doesss the mortals come from, we wondersss, yes my Precious." Then he started making that odd sound, you know, that one that goes, "gollum...gollum"  
  
"The United States. You don't know where it is though." I didn't say much after this, because he was cocking his head to the side, as if trying to comprehend this piece of information.  
  
"Doesss the mortals know where our Preciousss isss?" he hissed finally. I shook my head, lying. Sure, I was going to tell him that Frodo had the Ring. Even though he most likely already knew it, there's always hope that he didn't.  
  
"Yesss, you doesss. You liesss!!" he screeched. I shielded my face with my hands. "No, we only know who has it. And he's gone now. Which you already know, so it's not much help to you," Emily said quickly, saving me.  
  
"True, true," Gollum muttered. "How doess the mortals know?"  
  
"It's hard to explain, Smeagol, so I'll just say I have inside information," was my answer. As I said this, someone skidded to a halt behind me. Gollum let out an ear-splitting shriek and scrambled away into the forest, ranting about nasty elves with bright eyes. I look behind me and saw Legolas, straightening himself from a very un-Elvish stance.  
  
"Hey, I was having a conversation!" I cried and he glared at me.  
  
"Then next time come back and tell us that before you run off and do another of your scatter-brained plots so I won't think you've been taken prisoner by Orcs!"  
  
"What Orcs?" I said blankly and stupidly. Brain lock down. Freezing center of nervous system. Booee, booee.  
  
"Elbereth save me!" he cried impatiently, regaining his composure. "The Orcs that nearly killed us?" I remembered then.  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"Did you find Frodo or Sam? Merry and Pippin have been captured by Orcs. And Boromir has been slain."  
  
"We found Frodo," I said, pointing across the water where the two hobbits were already nearing the eastern shoreline. "But they'd already left." Legolas was silent for a moment, as if he really didn't want to hear this information. I thought I heard him cursing in Elvish under his breath.  
  
"Do you know that I have been running all through the woods looking for you?" he finally asked, changing the subject, and I shook my head.  
  
"You were actually worried I'd let those...fuzzy monkeys get me?"  
  
"Yes." I didn't reply, because I didn't know why to say about his show of concern. He steered me further up the shoreline (with Emily following us), to where Aragorn and Gimli were standing, waiting for us.  
  
"Good, you found them," Aragorn said, his voice sounding relieved. Jack was sitting at his feet, panting. Flecks of blood lined the edges of his mouth. Orc blood. Emily bent down to wipe it off of him, murmuring praise to the dog.  
  
"Everyone is worried about us all of a sudden! What, do you think we're going to throw ourselves off the waterfall?" I asked reproachfully.  
  
"It's highly likely and I'm not taking any chances," Aragorn replied and Emily scowled at him.  
  
"So, old Bori's dead then?" I asked, mostly myself. Aragorn shot me an irritated look and-could it be-sadness.  
  
"Yes," he said and then went silent. I guess I felt kind of sorry for him, but I hadn't really forgiven him for thinking that I was worthless because I was annoying, a "child", and a girl. I did, however, wish him, in my mind, a save journey to his afterlife, whatever that may be.  
  
"If I was in your shoes I'd zip your mouth about Boromir," Emily hissed in my ear. I nodded slowly. Aragorn began walking toward the place where our "cargo" had been placed, and we all followed him. Legolas went ahead and started to push the last boat into the water. I guess they already sent Boromir off the waterfall while we were chit chatting with Gollum.  
  
"Hurry, Sam and Frodo have already reached the eastern shore," he said to Aragorn, who was sheathing a dagger. The Man looked up and didn't reply. "You mean not to follow them..." The sentence hung in the air until Aragorn spoke.  
  
"Frodo's fate is no longer in my hands," came his short reply.  
  
"Then let us face it, the Fellowship has failed," Gimli said mournfully.  
  
"No, but you will if you keep acting grumpy and sad because you'll be dead by my hands," I muttered. Aragorn chose to ignore this comment.  
  
"Not if we hold true to our friends," he said and looked from Legolas to Gimli.  
  
"Hey, why aren't you looking at us? We've come this far, and we're not letting you guys get away now..." Emily said. This was also ignored.  
  
"We won't let Merry and Pippin be tortured by Orcs, will we?" continued Aragorn and received two small nods of agreement from Elf and Dwarf.  
  
"Sure, what do we need them for?" I said sarcastically, getting annoyed that no one was paying attention to me. "Are you guys going to really throw us off the waterfall or something?"  
  
"Only if you don't hold your tongue, girl," Gimli grumbled.  
  
"I DO have a name you know."  
  
"And what might that be? The Worlds Largest Pain in the Arse?" Emily asked sweetly.  
  
"Don't mix my name up with yours," I replied dryly. Jack yipped quietly, and I couldn't help but think he was agreeing with me.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kids...it's been fun...but...THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!! BWHAHAHA...I'm sugar/caffeine high again, forgive me. I'm probably doing one or two more chapters after this. So fear not. And *gasp* guess what!?!? I'm doing TTT and RoTK! Aren't you all so lucky?  
  
I would like to apologize for the fact that some of you awesome reviewers/readers wanted me to be nicer to Boromir but...*starts to cry* I can't!! I couldn't find it in my heart!!! I honestly dunno why I don't like him. He's just so...arrogant and stuff. However, rest in peace, small Boromir chap. I seriously DID think about making Boromir live but...It'd screw up the story too much, with when Fro Fro and ol' Sammy meet Faramir and blah blah blah.  
  
You people better like this chapter by the way. *grumbles* Took me forever to sort it all out. It was VERY confusing. Emily kept reminding my of things that had to be put in and I kept adding things in myself and yada yada yada. This thing is SEVEN PAGES LONG ON MS WORD!! This chapter at least...GO ME! Anywayz, so be happy, even if it is boring or not very good or whatever you folks wanna call it. ^_^ And remember, all flames go to Bob. I may have to throw my poor ickle Bobby-wobby into Mount Doom to save him...But I suppose that's good a good thing. *happy happy grin*  
  
CAtz: I am being overly mean to Boromir...but...yeah, I justified myself up above. Sowwy!! Please don't desert me...lol.  
  
Surfer-Gurl: Yeah, last chappie was EXTREMELY pointless, but fun all the same. ^_^  
  
Sabs: What? No caffine yet? CALL THE DOCTOR!! This is a crisis...lol, sorry. Thank you ever so much for your review! (i've done worse ones *grin* so don't worry)  
  
Devil's little imp: lol, funny. ^_^  
  
TASAKAPEOTKAUU: *snicker* I guess Gimlet does have anger managment problems...maybe we should call in a physciatrist? Legolas has to be a little evil...it happens when people get around me. My friend claims she used to be quiet and polite but now she bounces off the walls 24/7. Plus, tying me up is an unforgivable task. And *I* didn't kick him, Emily did. So you can go get mad at her. *innocent grin* But still, it's all part of war. The guinea pig and Sam thing is requested by the annoying editor I have who shall remain anonymous *hack hack* Emily *hack hack*. Me and Wally really did do this civilization project in 5th grade and made Migoem. There's this thing in there that says the paper clip is given only to the bravest people (Emily would NOT stop laughing when she read that part to our class). Hope that explains the Paper Clip. ^_^ 


	12. Do They HAVE To Be That Great REWRITTEN

DISCLAMER: 

Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't…own…ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!

Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine…I think…

Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.

Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh…Hey…COME BACK HERE ELF!!

Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.* 

Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?

Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.

Emily: Okay…*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in _her _backpack.*

Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary…I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"

This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.

Chapter Eleven: Do They HAVE to Be That Great?

Chapter Eleven: Do They HAVE to Be That Great?

"I feel an extremely big urge to start shouting random things," I said nonchalantly as we trudged through the forest. We had been walking (at least that's what Aragorn called it. We were REALLY running-slash-walking) for at least a few hours.

"Please don't," Emily groaned.

"THE NEON NAZIS ARE AFTER US!!"

"What did I say about getting into the sugar and caffeine store? And it's Orcs, not neon nazis."

"They don't HAVE, sugar or caffeine in Middle Earth, Emily dear," I said and let out a dry, fake sob. Emily clamped her hand over my mouth and I bit her finger. She drew her hand away in a hurry, sending me a disgusted look. 

"I'm hanging up," she said and turned her nose up,

"For the last time, WE'RE NOT ON THE PHONE," I said firmly and forcefully. I really need to invest in a straight jacket for her. You never know when those kinds of people can get...violent. 

"Would you both hold your tongues?" Gimli grumbled. 

"If you give us a good reason."

"There's always the fact that there might still be Orcs following us," he growled and I shut up. Yes, I annoyed at all costs, except my life. That I need to save or else my attempts to make the world strange and demented would be worthless. So we traveled in silence for the next fifteen minutes, before I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Do you think the Neon Nazis are behind us still?" I asked. Legolas reached over and clamped his hand over my mouth. 

"Bite me, and you'll be sorry," he warned. I nodded and he took his hand away, frowning at my smirking face. Words are not the only way to pest, Elf Boy.

I did keep my silence a whole hour. To amuse myself, I casually went from Emily, to Legolas, to Aragorn, to Gimli, doing small things (like poking for example) to get on their nerves. I was careful not to let them see me do anything, but of course, they suspected me. Darn it.

"Do I need to tie you up again?" Legolas asked sweetly. Emily began to furiously nod her head.

"Emily did it," I lied, putting on the most innocent face I could muster. 

"I did not! How can I poke myself in the head?"

"By simply reaching back and poking yourself maybe? Seriously, Elf Boy, it was her. She's always doing to really evil things. I do the evilest things. Wait. I just admitted, didn't I?" Legolas was about to reply when I saw a bright flash of light erupt in front of our company. I shielded my eyes against the sudden source of light in front of me, squinting to see what it was. Slowly, I blinked away the lights in my eyes. Someone's blinding me…How rude. 

Before us was a flashing…_rip_ in the air. There was no other way to explain it. It seemed to give off an ethereal glow. I raised my eyebrows at Emily, who shrugged. It looked like a normal portal people usually got. Except this one had a flashing sign suspended over it, saying, _"This Way To Modern Earth. Small Rodents And Pencil Shavings Not Allowed Inside Portal. Please Don't Follow The Lights."_ Uh…okay?

"Dude, it's like…a portal…" Emily said in awe. I blinked again. This must be a sign from God or something. Suddenly, another sign popped up over the other one. It read, _"Actually, it's not just any sign. It's a flashing sign."_ AK! SOMEONE'S READING MY MIND! This time a voice entered my mind. Sort of like Galadriel's. Only not so girly… _"I'm God. I know all and see all. What'd you expect?" _

'A warning, that'd be nice. Who is messing with my mind anyway?'

_"I'm not messing with your mind. I'm giving you a choice. I thought I made you smarter than that, Kaitlin."_

'Dude, only my mom and dad call me Kaitlin…Do I have a stalker in Middle Earth that some how knows everything about me?'

__

"I know a lot of things, Kaitlin. I created you, after all." 

'Uhhh…' 

__

"I also sent you here."

'I'm going insane. How lovely…' 

__

"Why are you so quick to not believe me?" 

'Well, ever since that one person sat on my head when I was four, I've never really liked people. Emily doesn't count because she's an alien.' 

__

"That was your fault. I gave you a mouth to speak. You could have told the girl to get off, you know." 

'It was not my fault!' 

__

"It was too." 

'Why am I arguing with myself?'

__

"I dislike it when people try to say they are me, you know. It's not very appreciated when people impersonate them."

'What? Oh nevermind…So, if you really ARE God, then what's this choice deal you're talking about?'

_"It's a portal to Earth. Think about it."_

'You're rude, you know that, right?'

_"Sorry, long day."_

'Bummer.' 

_"Yep. Had to deal with more people popping up in the other universes."_

'Other universes?'

_"I had two today… One was that wizard place…Warthog?"_

'Hogwarts.'

"_You mortals think up such odd names for these places."_

'Thank you. Anyway, so, if we wanna go home, we gotta go through the portal?' 

_"What do you think."_

'Yes?'

_"Brilliant child you are. It comes naturally…"_

'Yeah. Do we gotta choose to stay or go now?'

_"It'd be nice. I'm a very busy guy."_

'How busy?'

_"Busy."_

'Uh…can you pop it up again in another two hours or so? So we can decided and stuff?'

_"Oh fine…sometimes I regret creating you people finicky."_

'Your fault, not ours.'

_"You don't have to remind me."_

'Yes I do. It's my job.'

_"No it's not. I should know. I'll be back later. Think about it hard, Kaitlin. And for heaven's sake, leave the poor Elf alone for a while."_

'I'll think about it.'

_"Good."_

'One question…'

_"What?"_

'What's with the no-flying rule on penguins?'

_"Well, the test flights didn't go too well…Let's just say I've still got people cleaning up the splats."_

'Oh…I see…Well, later.'

_"Toodles."_

"Dude, that's so cool, God says 'toodles' too!" I exclaimed and clapped my hands happily. There was no doubt in my mind I was having a conversation with God…I never envisioned Him so…normal though. Oh well.

"Uhhh…Katie, I really worry about what you do when we go out into La La Land," Emily said with raised eyebrows.

"Who is this god you speak of?" Gimli asked suspiciously. 

"It's God. Not god. He's special so He gets His name capitalized."

"Are you speaking of Eru?" Legolas inquired.

"Uhhhh…no?" I didn't explain. It would not be good to try and change the little Middle Earthians' religion. No it would not. So I won't. I pulled Emily aside, ignoring the other three's questions. The portal was still blinking and flashing. I quickly explained my conversation. She was skeptical and didn't believe me at first. But she had nothing else TO believe, so in the end she listened to me. 

"So…are we going or not?" she asked slowly. I sighed and cast my gaze upward. 

"Why does my life get difficult in the worst places? I was happily poking—crud, I just admitted being guilty again—and then He's gotta pop up and tell me I either have to leave or stay," I moaned and laid down. Legolas's head appeared in front of me, holding a frown on his face.

"Come. We cannot stop and rest. We must continue after Merry and Pippin," he said and I started to protest, but he stopped me. "You and Emily can decide among the two of you as we go along. We shall not bother you." I sighed and scrambled to my feet, dusting myself off. 

"Then why do I find myself envisioning me being tied up and then hung over a tall cliff?" I said sarcastically and fell back to walk with Emily. She let out a long breath.

"Well, what now?" she asked gingerly. Jack let out a little whine, sensing that neither of us were very happy.

"I don't know. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay," I told her. She nodded knowingly. We lapsed into silence. I weighed my options carefully. True, I was already eighteen and had only half a year till I graduated from high school. Then I guess I would go off to college. I found myself wondering how I could deal with the fact that I'd passed up the chance of living in Middle Earth.

If I stayed I would definitely miss my family. I would have to suffer from the fact that I'd never see them again. I realized now more than ever that I would have a hard time leaving my family no matter what; whether I stayed in Middle Earth, went to college, got a job and a new home...There were too many ways of leaving them. I was soon confused and deep within my thoughts. 

Emily suddenly grabbed arm and yanked me back on track. I had almost ran into a tree. I grumbled and glared at her grinning face. I heard deep laughter in my head. Grrr…He shouldn't laugh at His peoples. It's rude. Emily didn't say anything though, and continued going along in quiet solitude. Aragorn then called for a break up ahead. Emily trotted up to join the three others and I followed slowly, still thinking. Small tidbits of food were passed out as a late lunch and an early dinner. 

"What to do, what to do," I murmured, then realized I had thought out loud.

"No matter which course of action you chose, we'll understand," Legolas assured me. Why do these guys have to be so great? They do know how hard they were making it. I realized that, through all my mindless random talk and near death experiences, they'll always be my friends. Despite the fact that I was younger and more inexperienced, and insane, and annoying they went past all that. 

In my head I listed all the things I would miss from home. Computer. Books. Family. Cats. Movies. Food. I lost count after a while. I wondered where I'd be fifteen years from now if I went back to my home. I don't know why, but I suddenly saw an image of an older me, an older version of my brother Andy sitting around next to me. A small boy and a girl were standing in front of me, looking at the book I had in my hands. Lord of the Rings. Would I ever get through this thing? 

'Maybe I could toss myself off a mountain and get it over with,' I mused absently. Suddenly, I knew what my decision was. It was it or I would die knowing I had made the wrong choice. How could I even have thought to chose that life over the other?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

AN FOR REWRITTEN PART

Yeah…I rewrote this one and the next chapter cause they (quite frankly) sucked. Plus I needed them to fit with the story line. Sorry if anyone is offended for some reason by the whole part with God. And, God, if YOU'RE offended, sorry too…But He needed an appearance. Seriously…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Even I don't know what will happen...okay, maybe I do. *evil laughter* I may have to change something from the last chapter. I dunno if I'll be doing a TTT and RoTK seeing as how this may turn out. 

As always, flames will be sent to revive Bob. 

Minor note, I know I said before that Emily and Katie in the story are 17 but for my purposes now, I have magiclly with my my surperior author powers have changed them into 18 year olds. Just thought I ought to explain that...

O.B.I.M: Are you sure you're as insane as I am? I find that highly unlikely. You might be nearly as insane though. ^_^

TASAKAPEOTKAUU: Hmm...I never thought about that. Let's say he was too preoccupied. With Man-Freak—Excuse me, BOROMIR, dying and Merry and Pippin being carried off, it's hard not to be preoccupied...right? NO CHILD!! NEVER ADMIT TO THE POSSIBLITY THAT LEGGY IS NOT REAL!! For, young grasshopper, he lives in Tolkien Land, which is in another dimension where he and his other LOTR buddies reside in peace away from the insane fangirls (and the pervy, annoying, *cough* MARY SUE *cough* ones). But soon they shall be doomed...bwhahahaha...And Man-Freak (not even gonna TRY correcting myself) deserves a vacation...

Dy: YAY!!! Go forth and spread the name "Fuzzy Monkeys!" 

Katani Petitedra: Bendy straws? WHERE? NOOOO!!! THEY'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THE NEON NAZIS FROM NEPAL!!! Hmmm...*raises eyebrow* Have you ever knock yourself out for a lolly pop? Put an electric mixer in the dishwasher? Dyed your own mouth black with multiple colors of food color? I thought so. But I am happy to inform you that your still wonder and insane! ^_^ *runs off muttering about bunny slippers launching an attack on Berma*

Surfer-Gurl: Me loves Gollum! I can sing his whole song!! YAY!!!

saiyan-girl-cheetah: OOPS. Katie is such a bad girl...You put Catz in after that so I thought that's what you signed it. FORGIVE ME!! Lol. You're such a loyal person...I don't mind as long as you stay away from the Lego Safe. *sits on her safe. Screams are heard from inside.* Excuse me, I must comfort my Elf. *evil laughter* 


	13. Tolkien Never Saw It ComingREWRITTEN

DISCLAMER: 

Katie: *sobs uncontrollably and hugs Legolas action figure and anything else she has having to do with him.* I..don't…own…ANY OF THEM!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!

Emily: *pats Katie's shoulder, look of terror on her face* She'll be fine…I think…

Legolas: *_* Get on with it crazy fangirl.

Katie: *stops sobbing and looks up.* Oh yeah. Well, here it is. R&R peeps. Remember, if you don't, you must sleep sometime!! *cackles evilly* This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh…Hey…COME BACK HERE ELF!!

Legolas: *tries to get away. Katie attacks and stuffs him in her backpack.* 

Emily: *looks at Katie* How come I can't do that to Aragorn?

Aragorn: Because I'll kill you if you do.

Emily: Okay…*shifty glance. Stuffs unsuspecting Ranger in _her _backpack.*

Special Note From the Author: This fanfiction is a hazard to your health and if you are a pregnant woman or are a very small child I suggest you not read this because it may just get scary…I know the begin is a little boring, but work with me. I'll have more random outbursts and such as I go along. I hope. Oh, and, "Good morning sunshine daisies, say hello to the thunder heads waiting to strike you dead!"

This also doesn't follow the movie or story plot. It's a little bit of both really. Sometimes I just add in whatever I feel like. You don't like it, DON'T READ IT.

Chapter Twelve: Tolkien Never Saw It Coming

_"Lalalalalalala…"_

'Back again?'

_"You betcha. Well? What is the verdict?"_

'Can I stay for now?'

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

'Well…for a little while? Then, you know, we can strike a deal later?'

_"Who said I would agree to any deals?"_

'No one…Please?'

_"Alright, alright…"_

'AWESOME! See, I always told everyone you were forgiving and merciful and nifty and cool and so on and so on.'

_"Well, it's nice to know you appreciate me."_

'Isn't it though?'

_"I'll speak with you in the future, Kaitlin."_

'Okies. One thing.'

_"Again?"_

'Yeppers. Can I call you Billy Bob?'

_"…No."_

'Why not?'

_"Because."_

'Because why?'

_"Do you WANT to be struck with a lightning bolt?"_

'Not really…'

_"Then accept the facts and move on."_

'I can do that.'

_"Glad to hear it. See yah."_

'Later, dude.'

_"Toodles."_

"Well, Neon Nazi resistors, I now demand you welcome one of the newest citizens to Middle Earth," I said and received four blank stares from Man, Elf, Dwarf, and Valar. "That means I'm staying, nitwits." Legolas's face lit up. Holy cow, that's a first. He suddenly grabbed me and hugged me tightly. I glared at him, but found I didn't really mind.

"Elf Boy...Katie needs to breathe...Please?" I said and he let go, looking slightly embarrassed. "I hope you know that I will make you regret this day for the rest of your miserable lives. And Elf Boy, if you die any time soon before I can unleash my ultimate annoyance drill, then you will be sorry." He grinned wryly at me. 

"Well, Wallace, shall you desert your life long friend—Or at least for as long as I've known you—and stay in Tolkien Land, or will you 'diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel!'" I said, mimicking Galadriel's voice in the movie. She glared at me, and seemed to be thinking for a minute.

"I—I'm staying," she said finally and slowly, looking up. I clapped and hugged her, attempting to suffocate her.

"Elf Stalker...Emily needs to breathe...Please?" she mimicked me and I let go to hit her on the head. Lights blinked in front of my eyes.

_"Stop hitting Emily."_

'Okay, okay, sorry…God…'

__

"Yeah, I AM God, and you better remember it, pal."

"I wish He wouldn't do that," I mumbled and blinked several times to clear my eyesight. "Listen, kids, if I die and I don't go back, then Emily you get PC. And if Emily dies, then Legolas gets to take care of the cat. And if he dies then—" 

"We understand, little _r'aug_," Legolas assured me and grinned. I swiped my hand at him. Aragorn stepped over and placed his hand on Emily's shoulder.

"I am over-joyed that you are both staying with us," he said and looked up quickly at his expression to see if he was telling the truth. He was. "But we must press onward. I fear we may never catch up to Merry and Pippin if we do not hurry." He smiled slightly at Emily and I, then he, with Gimli at his side (who wanted to get a head start since he was such a slow runner) started to walk away. Legolas followed, then Emily and I. 

I walked in some what of a daze. When I replayed the scene in my mind, I noticed that I didn't feel the weight of my decision then. Now I did. Slowly, I let my tears trickle down, only to shove them away impatiently. I also finally came to realize that I wasn't such an annoying tag-a-long on this quest any more. Another thing that I knew even without being told that people like Legolas and Aragorn and Gimli aren't friends with you one minute, then shunning you into a corner the next. No one in Middle Earth it seemed could do that, especially one of them. Some might, I mean, but the people here were so different from what I knew. 

You didn't hide your happiness, thinking that you wouldn't look "cool" showing that emotion. When you were sad, people would tell you to grow up and get over it. Most accepted you the way you were. So different from a lot of folks I knew back home. It was a welcomed change.

I knew I had made the right choice. I was born to live in a place like this. Who knows, maybe even they'll warm up to the idea of hamburgers. I could always call them Cow Patties and make a living off of the money I earned selling them. Just kidding. But hey, I can dream. I hope Tolkien doesn't come out of his grave and try to kill us for mentally harming his characters. 

Legolas looked over his shoulder. "Hurry up, mortal girl," he taunted. "Even though you're not an Elf, I don't expect you to be THAT slow!" I sped up quickly and yanked a handful of his hair.

"At least my head's not messed up," I replied mildly and he glared. Emily moaned.

"Aragorn, can't we just throw them both off the cliff? I can predict many poking-slash-hair pulling-slash-hitting fits to come," she complained.

"Firstly, they are not called whatever you called them, they are called 'Katie is Showing Domination Over The Cocky Elf—'" I hand to duck as Legolas reached over to pull MY hair. "—and secondly, we can only do that if you do too." Yep, I bet Tolkien never saw this coming.

When I got tired of thinking, I sidled innocently over to Emily. Making sure no one would really hear me, I said quietly, "So, Wallace, are you still going to hit on Billus?"

"Billus?" she asked, confused.

"It's our new nickname for him," I said, jerking my head in Aragorn's direction. She immediately began to scowl.

"NO! I never was!"

"It's the Spanky story all over again..."

"You need to pipe down youngster, or else you may just be hanging from a tree soon..." she warned.

"What if I don't want to?"

"That's too bad."

"Hey, Emily?"

"Emily is currently not in right now. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEP!"

"What's with you and the phones? And you know what we should have asked Yavanna for?" I asked her with an evil smirk. 

"Phones are cool. What?"

"Croutons are better than phones. And we should have asked for duct tape."

"No, phones are the best. Especially fuzzy blue ones. And who would the duct tape be for exactly?"

"Well fuzzy croutons are better than fuzzy phones! We could use it for anyone really; Legolas, Aragorn, you, me, Gimli...did I mention you?"

"You like croutons with fuzzy mold on them? Ew...And why would you want to use duct tape on sweet little me?" she asked innocently.

"I didn't say that. Fuzzy croutons might mean a crouton stuffed toy. And you're far from sweet."

"Who would want a crouton plushie? And I am the sweetest thing in the world!"

"Nuh uh! I would want one!" I objected. "And no, chocolate is the sweetest." 

"Of course you would. And that's false advertisement, I've the sweetest."

"Did you know we're carrying on two conversations at once?"

"No...hey, we're probably the first ones to do that!" she exclaimed and we both started to snicker at our idiocy. Things were DEFINITELY normal again. For one, bright things hadn't popped out at me for a half an hour. And second, we were holding weird conversations again. 

Legolas looked over his shoulder suddenly. We were slightly behind from our "conversation" and the other three were a ways ahead of us. "Hurry up, mortal girl," he taunted. "Even though you're not an Elf, I don't expect you to be THAT slow!" I sped up quickly and yanked a handful of his hair.

"At least my head's not as sensitive. And don't provoke me into tying you up in a tree," I replied mildly and he glared. Emily moaned.

"Aragorn, can't we just throw them both off the cliff? I can predict many poking-slash-hair pulling-slash-hitting fits to come," she complained.

"Firstly, they are not called whatever you called them, they are called 'Katie is Showing Domination Over The Cocky Elf—'" I hand to duck as Legolas reached over to pull MY hair. "—and secondly, we can only do that if you do too." 

"I feel very bad for Merry and Pippin," Aragorn said suddenly.

"Why'd that Bob?" Well, I blew that cover. He ignored the nickname though.

"Because we're they're only hope, and when I see you attacking Legolas and Emily complaining and Gimli huffing behind us, I have to wonder what good we will actually do if we save them." Alright, his turn to be attacked.

Yep, Tolkien never saw this coming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW AN FROM THE REWRITING OF THIS CHAPTER

Yeah, I'm Christian…I've decided that God needs an appearance. *nods wisely* Sorry if I offended anyone in my adding of him in. He's my God, and if you gots a problemo with that, I'm sorry about that. And if I offended anyone in the way I showed him, sorry you feel like that. *shrug* Anyway, happy trails my little muffins!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm sorry, but I must congratulate myself on that ending...I can't help but love it. 

Okay, since this is my first fanfic, I can't help but be a little worried over it. PLEASE, my faithful reviewers, this isn't Mary-sue or boring, is it? I might take a few days break before starting on TTT (sure I will. Once I get start I usually don't stop though *grin*). Anyway, what'd you guys think of the whole over all story? Not too bad for a first timer at least?

It wasn't too short either was it? *chants "Katie is not worried, Katie is not worried, KATIE IS NOT FLIPPIN WORRIED A BIT!"* 

Flames go to Bob of course.

Okay, I do admit I was kidding around with you guys when I said I might not do sequels...Just messin wit your minds a little. ^_^ Forgive the small one, she wants cliffies to happen sometimes.

And I stayed up till 11 so I better be rewarded with happy peoples. *glares and runs to find her nice soft bed*

*sobs* Night children! UNTILL I WRITE AGAIN!! MUHAHAHAH!!! 

Namaari

~*~ Katie ~*~ 

Devil's lil' imp: lol! I wouldn't go that far...but...if you want to worship me, go ahead! I expect human sacrifice every Tuesday. *smirk* Just kidding. ^_^

Dy: *gives into the Frodo eyes* You didn't think I'd give up pestering Leggy, did ya? Lol. I must confess, I don't know if I could really stay there if I could see my family again. Maybe under the some certain circumstances but...*shrugs*

TASAKAPEOTKAUU: *cackles at the insults* These are my kind of insults! Lol. The thought sounds tempting, she'd be the only one to do it! But no, the story must go on and we must have the MOST important person survive. After all, I AM important, no? Tee hee, jking. However, your off to go after Leggy is tempting...Does that mean I have to give him a head start though? *gestures to the Legolas Safe which she is sitting on. Screams are still heard.* *whistles innocently* Do you hear something? 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

KATIE'S ENDING PART BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO GO TO BED BUT SHE'S STILL TIRED

KATIE: Okay peeps, landmark moment. I'm letting the Elf out, but only because he needs to breathe and I'm a kind loving soul. *lets out Leggy but handcuffs him to her*

LEGOLAS: What did I do to deserve this?

KATIE: Hmm...You were cute? If you had been uglier a lot of people might leave you alone...BUT NOT ME!! Bows and arrows are nifty! Don't you feel LOVED? *hugs Leggy*

LEGOLAS: Yes...Very...*gasps for air*

*Emily walks in with Aragorn being brought in (strapped to a chair with large chains) by large men with squirt guns.*

EMILY: Don't move, honey, or else they'll squirt you with water! BWAHAHAHA!!

ARAGORN: I'll be good. *sweet smile*

EMILY: *almost faints but only sits on his lap.* Okay, now you can't go anywhere.

KATIE: Why is yours so obedient?

EMILY: Because...um...I dunno.

LEGOLAS: *muttering sarcastically under breath* Now there's a smart one...

KATIE: *beams* YAY! Leggy is learning so well!!

ARAGORN: Yeah. LEGGY! *laughs insanely until Katie slaps him*

EMILY: Now, Argy, don't make fun of the other kids.

LEGOLAS + KATIE: *starts cackling evilly*

KATIE: Okay children, Katie is going to bed now because she can hardly keep her little eye lids open. C'mon Leggy, you can sleep on the end of my bed! Good doggie! But I want to say something first:

THE NEON NAZIS!! THEY'RE COMING!!! AHHHH!!!

I am a person, but you are not.

Please do not smoke pot.

This is a poem

But it's still er...from Migoem!

And it taste like Kentucky Fried Chicken!

LEGOLAS: That was scary. *grudgingly follows Katie* Why is your room so purple? MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!

KATIE: Because it's better than pink and blue, which are Mary Sue colors. And I like purple. PURPLE RULES!

LEGOLAS: Good point

EMILY: Argy, darling, close the curtain please.

ARAGORN: *closes curtain until only Emily and him are standing on stage.*

EMILY: Thank you for reading Katie's fanfic, even though I thought she really should have cut the wizard of oz quotes.

ARAGORN: I agree!

EMILY: Good, you're learning well young grasshopper. I think I'll untie you now. *unties Aragorn*

ARAGORN: YAY!! FREEDOM!!! *laughs happily and dances*

EMILY: Good night folks...

ARAGORN: Night!

LEGOLAS: SAVE ME!!! Nighty night...

ARAGORN: "Nighty night?" 

LEGOLAS: What? I like saying that...

KATIE: (shouting) NIGHT NIGHT! No, bad Elf, SIT!! STAY!! KEEL OVER!!! I mean roll over...WAIT!!! LEGGY!!! I meant ROLL over! Yes, there's a good little Elf.


End file.
